Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
Well stated - and I WILL go on a bike ride today. Everything starts somewhere. Getting out in nature sounds like the perfect place to start and I’ve THREE bikes and haven’t ridden in ages. ……. Until TODAY!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsGrief is grief, no matter how it is dressed up. It is not yet a year since my husband died. We were married for 59 years. At the end of this month will/would have been our 60th wedding anniversary. A friend is taking me out to lunch. But I will still be a basket case. I have experienced the anger and still do; and also the guilt - big time. I have broken down and cried in the grocery store when I see things I bought especially for him and I think will this never end? I am assured it will, but not right now. I am in my late 80's and must start thinking about my own death. How do you plan that?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsOh Marilyn- I am so sorry for your loss but also commend you on what sounds like a lovely 59 years of marriage. There are no words I can tell you that would ease such a loss - as you said, it’s not been a year yet …. And the first year seems to always be simply a blur of loss, change & confusion. It shows that whether 32 years of marriage like I had or 59 years like you had … it is hard to fill the hole their leaving our lives creates. I try to focus on what I can be grateful for TODAY, I try to get out in nature whenever possible ( even just sitting on a patio counts ), I try to help others as this takes the focus off of my loss and is so healing, I try to zoom out and gain perspective- we are all guaranteed only one thing after birth, and that’s death ( everything else is up for grabs) - yet we are overcome when faced with such a loss ( or at least I was ). Acceptance of the present moment is the key as the past is no longer here - there is no guarantee Of tomorrow- but we do have today. A day which can be joyful or a day that presents us with things to learn and grow from. How amazing Marilyn that you stated how you are hoping to prepare for your own death. How wise ( and challenging) to be doing such a thing. We all need do that - even though it comes without a guide book. How do you prepare? Maybe write letters to loved ones. Maybe have lunch with a friend who is sad. Maybe just surviving the grocery store is enough preparation for the day. And as it’s hard to prepare anything, let alone for one’s own passing - so remember- you have time, don’t force anything. And the anger and guilt? For me the anger and guilt lessened with time - not that it doesn’t flair up. But I slowly realized that such feelings could change nothing but the quality of my day today.I was letting something I couldn’t change ( the past) effect what is TODAY! I know, Easier said than done to get past it all - but time really does help. Wishing you well. And happy anniversary at the end of the month - he may be on the other side but his love is still here within you … hope you go out with a friend for a nice dinner and reminisce on the good times of the past 60 years.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsThank you for your words of comfort. However, it seems that everything is going wrong. Yesterday my cleaning person called. She is very ill and does not know when (or if) she will be returning. It is hard for me to clean because I am not yet fully recovered from my hip replacement and I am too darn old. I will do a bit of freshening up during the next few days but it's not the same as cleaning. Also the man who said he would come once a month to do the yard didn't show up. I am beginning to feel that I am being punished for something. As for preparation for death, that was easy. We both made plans years ago with The Neptune Society. So it was in place long before either of us thought of death. I think it may have been easier for me because of the many years I worked for a probate and trust attorney and saw the results of what happens when people fail to do this. Many are superstitious and are afraid. Too bad. Buying a cemetery lot or making plans for cremation doesn't lead to death the next day. Actually that is selfish. If you delay look at the burden you place on your heirs. What I am doing now is gathering information on assisted living options as I am completely alone. This I find extremely difficult because of so many unknowns. You cannot know if you will become disabled. You cannot know if or when. You cannot know what form this will take. Will it be dementia or mobility? Next month I will tour a facility that was recommended. I am going to talk to various professionals who do this. I will leave the information with my trust documents and my trustee will have to make that decision. I believe I will have done all I can.
And I am angry with what is happening in the world. We are literally burning up and the people who can start to effect a change are sitting back and doing nothing. I have seen a lot of changes in my 87 years; some good and some bad. In the last four to five years they have been mostly bad. I wonder what is going to happen to my grandchildren. Too much time to think. Now I must try to start on a little housework and then rest.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI’m (only!)81, but many of the same concerns have been percolating in my head since I lost my husband. I really don’t want to leave this house that I love, (which is now way too big for just me), and I have an amazing dog that has become my reason to get up in the morning, but having some health concerns lately has made me think of options for the future. One good thing now, for which I am grateful, is that, except for my dog, there is no one who absolutely needs me to help them stay alive. While my husband was ill I lived in absolute terror that something would happen to me so that I couldn’t care for him. Fortunately, nothing serious did and he died peacefully at home never having to be separated from me or his family, (except for a few very brief hospital visits). I expect I will try to stay in my home as long as I can manage to and, really, in fairness to our kids, I need to stay long enough to clear out the detritus that 60 years of marriage engenders. I’m hoping that both mind and body will last long enough to get that job done - although thinking about all the closets, drawers, and books and papers, it could take years! I am also very lucky in having a supportive family that will not let me stray too far and I’m pretty sure they will confiscate my keys at an appropriate time. Marilyn, I really admire you for being so on top of your future needs while still in the middle of deep grief.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsI am blessed (?) with common sense. I feel I am the best person to know what is for me and I am trying to do it. Unlike you, though, I am not throwing things away. Let them do it. I have done everything else. My children are far away. So not much physical support there. Even so, my oldest son checks in with me almost every day and gives me much moral support. It all helps. My husband also died at home. He was in a board and care for a few weeks with Hospice. When I found out the end was near I asked them to bring him home. So he died in his own home, his own bed and with me beside him. Watching him take his final breaths will haunt me forever.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionI was so thankful to be with my husband in his last moments, as he/we chose to have him on hospice here at home. I think the powers that be woke me up at 4:10am one morning and I sat up to check my husband on the hospital bed in the room next to me. I got up to check him and tell him I loved him, then sat back down to watch him. A few minutes later, I then got up and held him lightly again with my head on his chest, I realized this time his heart was not beating! I was stunned and so grateful that I could be with him in his last moments, but I was broken, as my life was centered around loving and caring for him and keeping our life on track in all aspects of living. I regretted letting him go on chemotherapy, as the Dr had mentioned that usually at his age (late 80's), the medical establishment would most likely suggest not to. But I could not go against my spouses wishes to go on it, so I calmed myself in that respect, as I had let him decide what to do. It has been almost 4 years since then and I still talk to him whenever I feel like it, as it makes me feel better. Is that wrong? Maybe, but I am working my way through this grief hoping to stay in life in a meaningful way with my neighbors here in this senior living community and my children.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsI regret deeply that I missed the moment my husband left. He had been restless all day and around 5 AM I gave him some meds and he seemed to calm and sleep. The nighttime care giver was in a chair next to him and I was exhausted and so I went upstairs to my bed. I was awakened by the care giver around 6 who said he had called for me. I hurried downstairs, but one look and I knew he was gone. If only I had stayed with him, but I truly had no idea it would happen that fast. Now I carry a load of guilt for not being with him that simply won’t shrink. I also barely missed both my parents’ departing moments which leaves me wondering if there is some sort of message in my having just missed the deaths of 3 people I dearly love. I fully intended to be there for them. It often makes me cry when I realize I can’t say, "I did everything I could". Having gone through all that we did together since his diagnosis in 2020, missing the last act seems a lot more than cruel. I know I have a lot to overcome, but, even if the experience was heart-rending, I envy those of you who were there at the right moments.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsI lost my husband, the love of my like, In 2020, in March.
He was a big strapping handsome, hardworking Contractor, age 68. on a Job in CA for family. In 12 days he died.
My grief is so profound, he was the love of my life. Life without him has been sad, sobbing and screaming in emotional pain.
I have my good days and bad, he was the only person in the World who could hold me, and I felt, more love and safe then anywhere else in my life.
We get to re/invent our lives. I have a legacy page on FB to celebrate his life every month. We will
See them again, sending love and loving arms of comfort to you.
It does get easier, it becomes historical and not so hysterical. Sending prayers and care ❤️🔑💟🥰Calygirl
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsEnvy not. I was with my husband when he died. When he took his last breath was awful. I knew I was really alone. That moment will haunt me forever.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 Reactions