1. < Loss & Grief

Triggers for loss and grief

Posted by georgette12 @georgette12, Mar 25, 2019

I am wondering how others deal with these triggers. I made the mistake of looking at my son's pictures on Saturday. I was thrown into guilt and depression and am still trying to shake it.

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Jun 23, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "My comment is about triggers. I find they are small things but extremely hurtful. One example..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

My comment is about triggers. I find they are small things but extremely hurtful. One example is folding towels. My husband like his towels folded a certain way so he always did it. Now that he is not here I fold the towels and almost come apart in my grief.

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Marilyn, you're so right. It is often the small and unexpected things that can trigger grief. Perhaps someday, these same things might bring a smile or fond memory instead of overwhelming sadness despite missing him dearly. Do you fold the towels his way?

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mikaylar | @mikaylar | Jun 24, 2022

My trigger today was a phone call I got from the owner of the house my brother blew up when he committed suicide. When was I going to rebuild, etc. ? I have nothing to do with my brother's affairs and need to stay out of this a year later. Prayers for all on this site.
Mikayla

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wendytrg | @wendytrg | Jul 23, 2022
In reply to @colleenyoung "@georgette12, such a good question - how does one deal with memories that trigger grief? It..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

@georgette12, such a good question - how does one deal with memories that trigger grief? It must be so hard, Georgette, when the memories throw you into guilt and depression. If I could ban guilt as an emotion, I would. It serves nothing in this instance in my opinion. I'm sure that your son would not want to have caused you guilt and depression. That was not his intention.

I'd like to bring a few members into this discussion to hear different experiences from @anndomico @parus @IndianaScott @dd1931 @tmmmrlts and anyone else who would like to add their thoughts. Do you try to avoid triggers that resurface grief? When do the memories become less painful? Do they ever become a welcome interruption?

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I am approaching the one year anniversary of my husband’s death from brain cancer on August 20th. I keep thinking that it will get better, but as time goes on so many things -even wonderful memories and photos - trigger an instant stab of hurt and sadness that is very hard to endure. I even think it is making me physically ill with gastric problems, insomnia, UTI, migraines, and a sinus infection. We were married for 60 years, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the grief will be deep and long lasting, but I keep hoping the good memories will stop causing pain even if the bad ones never will. My family is wonderful at wanting to support me, but they are grieving too and I really don’t want to burden them with my pain or cause them worry about my health problems. I expect the only thing anyone can do is keep on keeping on, but, oh how I wish it it would get easier!

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2 replies
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Jul 23, 2022
In reply to @wendytrg "I am approaching the one year anniversary of my husband’s death from brain cancer on August..." + (show)
@wendytrg

I am approaching the one year anniversary of my husband’s death from brain cancer on August 20th. I keep thinking that it will get better, but as time goes on so many things -even wonderful memories and photos - trigger an instant stab of hurt and sadness that is very hard to endure. I even think it is making me physically ill with gastric problems, insomnia, UTI, migraines, and a sinus infection. We were married for 60 years, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the grief will be deep and long lasting, but I keep hoping the good memories will stop causing pain even if the bad ones never will. My family is wonderful at wanting to support me, but they are grieving too and I really don’t want to burden them with my pain or cause them worry about my health problems. I expect the only thing anyone can do is keep on keeping on, but, oh how I wish it it would get easier!

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@wendytrg- Anniversaries seem to really trigger all of the pain associated with losing someone. The depth of your grief is also a measure of the deep love that you have had for your husband. You are right, there is no time limit on the pain, but time should also be thought of as a friend. Because it gives you time to grieve and in order to get through this it will take time. Oh boy, does this sound loopy?

My heartfelt sympathies on the loss of your husband. I hope that the love of your family and for your husband will help you through this time. Share tears and the pain, the laughs and rough times. It will help!

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2 replies
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Jul 23, 2022
In reply to @merpreb "@wendytrg- Anniversaries seem to really trigger all of the pain associated with losing someone. The depth..." + (show)
@merpreb

@wendytrg- Anniversaries seem to really trigger all of the pain associated with losing someone. The depth of your grief is also a measure of the deep love that you have had for your husband. You are right, there is no time limit on the pain, but time should also be thought of as a friend. Because it gives you time to grieve and in order to get through this it will take time. Oh boy, does this sound loopy?

My heartfelt sympathies on the loss of your husband. I hope that the love of your family and for your husband will help you through this time. Share tears and the pain, the laughs and rough times. It will help!

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Thank you for this.

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wendytrg | @wendytrg | Jul 24, 2022
In reply to @merpreb "@wendytrg- Anniversaries seem to really trigger all of the pain associated with losing someone. The depth..." + (show)
@merpreb

@wendytrg- Anniversaries seem to really trigger all of the pain associated with losing someone. The depth of your grief is also a measure of the deep love that you have had for your husband. You are right, there is no time limit on the pain, but time should also be thought of as a friend. Because it gives you time to grieve and in order to get through this it will take time. Oh boy, does this sound loopy?

My heartfelt sympathies on the loss of your husband. I hope that the love of your family and for your husband will help you through this time. Share tears and the pain, the laughs and rough times. It will help!

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Thank you for your thoughtful comment. The one year mark appears somewhat like a wall, which, if I can just get over it, might have better things on the other side. For me it seems to have greater significance than holidays or birthdays maybe because I never imagined that I would be able to survive a whole year without my lifetime partner. Time has proven me wrong. It surely helps to acknowledge how very many people have survived loss and found meaning again in their lives. I am hoping to be one of them.

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1 reply
mercerspring | @mercerspring | Jul 24, 2022

My trigger is strangely booking airline tickets - as this is something my husband always handled. He enjoyed finding the best deal whereas I find it frustrating. It’s been 6 years now since he passed and I’ve gone from ending up in tears each time I booked a flight to now just getting it done with only a small heavenly bound comment of “ this is your job dude “ with a smile ( at him, I still scowl at the computer as I watch the prices jump all over- ARG!). Wishing you both well!!! Time really does seem to be the key … and deep breathing when the triggers hit- pulling yourself to the present moment instead of being thrown back in time (& forwards with worries). Take care!!!

REPLY
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Jul 25, 2022
In reply to @wendytrg "Thank you for your thoughtful comment. The one year mark appears somewhat like a wall, which,..." + (show)
@wendytrg

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. The one year mark appears somewhat like a wall, which, if I can just get over it, might have better things on the other side. For me it seems to have greater significance than holidays or birthdays maybe because I never imagined that I would be able to survive a whole year without my lifetime partner. Time has proven me wrong. It surely helps to acknowledge how very many people have survived loss and found meaning again in their lives. I am hoping to be one of them.

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I bet you will be!

REPLY
Annie | @mlenney167 | Jul 25, 2022
In reply to @wendytrg "I am approaching the one year anniversary of my husband’s death from brain cancer on August..." + (show)
@wendytrg

I am approaching the one year anniversary of my husband’s death from brain cancer on August 20th. I keep thinking that it will get better, but as time goes on so many things -even wonderful memories and photos - trigger an instant stab of hurt and sadness that is very hard to endure. I even think it is making me physically ill with gastric problems, insomnia, UTI, migraines, and a sinus infection. We were married for 60 years, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the grief will be deep and long lasting, but I keep hoping the good memories will stop causing pain even if the bad ones never will. My family is wonderful at wanting to support me, but they are grieving too and I really don’t want to burden them with my pain or cause them worry about my health problems. I expect the only thing anyone can do is keep on keeping on, but, oh how I wish it it would get easier!

Jump to this post

I’m approaching the one year anniversary of losing my life partner - my best friend and favorite person in the world. I can’t keep some of the bad memories and horrible visions out of my head - even in my sleep. It just brings back my anger and guilt - and incredible sadness. Whoever said time heals all or at least makes it easier got it wrong, at least for me. Just when I think I’m doing okay something comes back to haunt me. I don’t think a day has passed that I don’t cry. Not sure it will ever change for me.

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