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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Welcome @cajones. I was thinking of you today and thought I would drop a note. How are you doing today?
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1 ReactionLovely introduction to the vast array of grief. My grief associated with my husbands passing has been much more complex due to him dying of a “ curable” cancer (kidney) simply due to the fact he refuses all medical treatment until it was too late and then when he passed all his financial affairs were left POD to himself ( this doesn’t even make sense). He left me and I was so sad, but the way he left me made me so mad, and the mess he left me I just couldn’t wrap my head around. It’s been six years now ( married for 32) and I’m still in a little funk… any ideas of how to break free? I’m a strong & independent person, but not so much so on this front. Still feel married ( like he’s on a REALLY long business trip) - but time is slipping by and I’d love to truly experience life again. Be a part of it - not just waiting. Any ideas ?
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2 ReactionsI think I know what you mean and feel. My husband was not a well man, but he was not dying either. He suffered from Parkinson's so his balance was off. At night he needed to go to the bathroom. I got a walker and pleaded and begged him to use the walker when he had to get up at night to use the bathroom. But he refused because he wanted "to do it himself." As a result, one night he fell and broke his femur. Three months later he was dead. For me this was a useless death and made mourning and grief more intense. As for the financial mess, you need to get with a really knowledgeable attorney or financial advisor. I have started therapy to see if I can resolve the grief and anger. Only two sessions so far, but we seem "to fit." You cannot do it alone. You need help and do not be afraid to ask for it.
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3 Reactions@mercerspring Facing the emotional side of loss can be difficult enough without adding the legal and financial issues on top of it all! Grief piled on with anger, frustration, loneliness can certainly make us feel like we are in a bed of quicksand.
I agree with @thisismarilynb, that is seeing a professional counselor may help you address the issues head on and experience life as you want to, again. When I have gone through loss, I took to writing letters to that person to get my frustration out. Being able to to that, I could relax and deal with practical issues.
How are you doing today?
Ginger
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1 ReactionSame old, same old. It is very hot so I am not going outside. I don't need to cook because I have a couple of things in the fridge that I just have to pop into the Microwave. But I feel more like a salad. So when I get hungry I think that's what I will do. Spent several hours in bed just going from channel to channel on the TV. Not much of interest to watch. Finally bestirred myself and put in a load of laundry. Trying to clear up issues in my mind. Should I stay put or go to independent living? When I actually got down to it and did the math I found it was much more sensible to stay where I am and have our things around me. Next step is figuring out what will happen when and if I can no longer care for myself. This is much more difficult because there is nothing concrete to build on So I am in the information gathering phase. It all helps to take my mind off the bad stuff.
I notice it is hot all over the world. This is what climate change is. Why can't the powers that be figure it out?
All take care.
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1 ReactionI’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, knowing that a passing has some senseless ( avoidable ) aspect to it does so complicate the grieving. All the shoulda, woulda, couldas creep up. I finally have all my finances situated ( it took 3 years and many a lawyer - as I ended up running his business until I could remove myself… then had to sell our home that I could no longer afford, etc… ) and am doing better with the anger of his passing ( he was only 52 and an athlete and was only five months passed from diagnosis of cancer to death - but I had spent at least a half year BEGGING him to go to the doctor - I could see in his eyes something was off, a flatness). I still miss him as do the kids (5 of them) . His personality was so large that he has left quite the hole in our family fabric. But I think that with all the time it took me to handle the finances and my frustration at being alone when it didn’t need to be ( I’ve been to counseling for this guilt) and missing him ( so much!) and endless time spent helping the kids ( it seems like they each have had a major accomplishment AND crisis since his passing - wish hubby was here to share the joy and the pain ) …. That all became a pattern of life over the past 6 years. A wife and mom with no husband or minor children - and I need to reboot and reinvent …. Time is passing and so little has changed … I need to start being fully present in each day looking forward to future plans , without one foot always in the past … but I don’t quite seem to remember how to be anything other than a wife and mom. Thanks again for your reply !!!!!! (:
Thanks for asking. Doing well. Just hoping to find some things to dream about again. And working at finding myself again after 32 years of marriage ( he’s been gone 6 years now) and 37 years of being a stay at home mom ( last two - of 5- just graduated college this spring) . Just can’t seem to remember how to look forwards when missing my spouse, the life we held ( had to also sell house and move states due to finances) and my kids ( or more specifically my role as mom- they are all fiercely independent, which I love… but here I am alone. ). Arg! I am going to counseling and I think that I’m at the point where I need to shed my cocoon and try to fly. But I kinda don’t remember how. (:
Thanks again.
I know exactly how you feel. I use the heat as an excuse to stay in the house. I just can't go out. Only to doctor appointments. I have just started counseling. Hope it works. Otherwise life becomes only existence. If you can't fly. Aim lower. Ride a bike.
Stay well.
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2 ReactionsFrom the comments I seem to be older than you, although I recognize that doesn't change our basic feelings. I was fortunate enough to work for a probate and trust attorney for 23 years before I finally retired. That made things so much easier for me. All the legal stuff and financial stuff was in place and I could just grieve and not have to worry about it. But now I have a new worry that I have not seen discussed here anywhere. In a couple of months I will be 88 years old. I am in relatively good health. I am recovering from hip replacement, but that is not an illness. But how long will I be able to care for myself? A question no one can answer. And if I reach the point where I will no longer be able to care for myself, how much disability will there be? Too many unanswerable questions. I am trying to do some research. In August I am going to visit one of these facilities on the recommendation of a neighbor who had to place her brother there. She highly praised it. And I am also looking at staying at home and having caregivers come in. Another complication is that I am alone. I have two children but they are far away and have their own lives. Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, what did you do?
With my mother, a widow - we started brining people into the home ( we kids did not live near) when she was 87. She stayed in her home until age 89 when she went to independent living - perhaps a year too soon health wise and perhaps a year too late lonely wise. She eventually transferred to assisted living in the same building - but, by then, all is evident. When she was at home my sister and I would rotate visits to her home throughout the year - with breaks in between - staying a couple weeks … long enough to get chores done but short enough to not wear her out. One of the things we organized that she liked the best were classes at the senior center and getting massages. Human touch is invaluable. I have a next door neighbor in your exact state of decision making ( but arthritis rather than hip replacement ). When you visit the home go an extra time in an off hour to see how you like the energy of the place when it’s not tour time or meal time. For my mom it was important that some people were still out and about, as it made her feel more secure. Just some ideas. I will be thinking of you. Weighing it all out with time is the best idea. Especially as many of the best places you can move have wait lists. All in all, my mom enjoyed being at home very much- but it was exhausting ( worrying about the yard, etc…) and she really enjoyed her time at the independent living facility. She made some great new friends and got reacquainted with some old ones. So all and all - I think both are a good decision. Good luck. (:
PS my mom died 7 years ago at age 97. In a wheel chair but as feisty and funny as ever.
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