Depression: Handling Ups and Downs in Marriage and other relationships

Hi Ginger! I had to LOL when you said I had "picked" an older discussion to post into. Let me assure you, my computer skills, which are a joke, seldom extend to getting me where I actually want to go. I believe I belong to the Mayo Clinic Club? Group? Forum" (SORRY) and have for several years after being diagnosed with AFIB and then eventually having an ablation. Every day in my email I get a notice about new posts in the Heart Rhythm section. I thought I recalled seeing an index and would be able to jump into a group about depression very easily. Well, I'm very glad you found me and hope you will set me on the path I'm suppose to be on.
I refuse to get depressed because I don't know how to "drive a computer!"
I was very happy, Ginger, that you understood what I meant about the era we grew up and personal/family issues were not talked about. Aunt Betty wasn't "crazy," she was going through menopause and my older cousin Katherine wasn't "crazy," she had post-partum depression really bad and "crazy" Uncle Jack was an alcoholic, but we didn't find out for years that his wife had died during childbirth, he lost his job, began drinking, lost his house and soon Uncle Jack left town.
It's sad when you realize if we had known more, how much we could have helped. It's a better world but we still have a long way to go.
And why men can't, or won't, talk about feelings is a frequent topic among my women friends. Probably a topic among women the world over.
You ask how I've been handling my depression so far. Please know Ginger, I don't mean what I'm about to say in the slightest derogatory way at all, but have YOU tried to find a therapist any time over the past several years? They are ALL booked. Many became so overbooked, they burned out........now there are even fewer. I am on a number of waiting lists, but I've been waiting for a long time.
You suggest talking to close friends and family, Ginger, you have no idea how much I wish I could.
I know how pathetic I sound. I know all the things I could be doing to help myself feel better. I live on the West Coast and we had a very wet Spring, so all the yard work that I love to do, got put on hold. The night it stopped raining, we woke up to a heat wave. Today is Day 5 of 90+ degree heat in an area that normally doesn't get much over 70. Tomorrow the heat wave is suppose to break with record rainfall........I'm not just moaning about our little part of the country. I know there are folks that have it SO much worse than us. With everything going on in the world............I think I've reached my tipping point.

Hello Everyone
I am a 71 year old woman, living with my husband of 42 years. Over the past decade, what began as feeling pretty lonely for several years until my husband retired, soon morphed into mild depression and is now quite bad. My husband is a great guy in all respects with the exception of listening to and talking about "feelings." If I want to add a 50 foot fence to the back acre, we can talk for hours about THOSE kinds of "feelings," but if the conversations turns to more personal, deeper feelings, like why I've been feeling down and lonely lately, his "glass half full," personality, which I normally love, quickly tells me "You're gonna be fine. It will pass. Maybe you should see your doctor." I appreciate his effort. Like most people our age, we just didn't grow up in homes where really personal feelings were talked about openly, and even with our very best friends, a lot of feelings were withheld. You did not want the neighbors to know Aunt Betty was "CRAZY......" I'll stop here, otherwise this will turn into an epic tome. I just need to talk to people who understand how dark and scary depression can be. I need someone to walk with for awhile. Thank you ~Linda

Hi Ruby,
Completely agree with you about the difficulty of finding a therapist these days, as I also have encountered this situation. Meds can only do so much, and sometimes depression resurges. I can relate to waking up under a cloud as Marjou mentions. Feels like nothing can break the spell, and ones ability to do anything becomes a greater struggle every day. I've even felt down because I have depression:)
Despite numerous pep talks to myself, it gets to the point where all is gloom and doom, yet still cannot get moving. I finally realized that part of my problem was watching too much news and weather adding to my anxiety and inertia. Most of spring went by without me stepping outside. Even when the days were decent, I stayed indoors.
I was sort of forced outdoors by the requirements of my yard and needs of my senior beagle, and as I got a little sunshine and watched the little nature show of the neighborhood, started to feel a little less miserable. A month later, and depression is relieved, and feeling more in control of things. Completing little projects seems to inspire me to work on others.
Allowing my adult children to help more, doesn't feel too terrible, despite my initial resistance. (I should be able to do everything by myself, like I always have even though I have numerous medical issues.)
My daughter has convinced me to let go of restoring an old upright piano which I have not made any progress on, and my son is having a tree service out to take down an old tree that is tangled in power lines, etc. I do feel blessed and for the most part feel much better.
This morning however, I have discovered a banking error which has shattered my confidence. My latest utility bill made no sense to me. there were minuses behind the recent and current amounts. After an hour or so spent checking my bank statements, I found that I had overpaid my account by triple the amount due. While it's nice not to have to pay this quarter and have a balance to pay the next as well, I have never made such such an error and feel frightened of developing some sort of dementia. The grasp of nouns or adjectives that has become a joke in the family is starting not to feel so amusing. The threat of mental decline is one of my greatest fears, and I do wonder whether or not their is a strong correlation between long term depression and the 'A' word. Did my giving an inch make Karma take a mile?

@flynnzie
We've talked before. My impression is that you're compassionate, empathetic a d encouraging.
I was having similar concerns about my "cognitive deficiencies."
.y psychiatrist referred me to a psychologist and I was evaluated to set a baseline. I don't have dementia. However, I do have ADD. As a 6 year old with "something" I was a pain in the butt. At 67, with ADD, I still am...lol
Bottom line: Mindfulness.
Simply put, I have to maintain structure and good habits. If I deviate from my routine, usually because I was side-tracked or stressed out. That's when I don't remember where I put something for safe-keeping...lol...they're really safe. I just can't find the stuff.
When I get stuck on not remembering a word, I say out loud: I'm going on. If I don't stress the word will come to me, sometimes at the weirdest time..."tartare"... 2 days ago I eas talking to my friend and was all over the word: that raw meat that's really expensive and chopped up. You eat it on a ______ ... I'm gonna let it go. It'll come to me... This time, I cheated. I Googled "fancy toasted bread..." and baguette came up. Then I remembered bruschetta.
Strategies, routines, landing pads, being present when I'm doing something.
I hope I shared some useful suggestions. I know what you mean about the Big A...and we're not talking about NYC.
Take care....btw
You did really great when you conducted your research, tracked down your statements and figured out you pre-paid. Problem-solving is a higher level of critical thinking g. You have to use it, or you'll_________. No not flat-line. Lose it.
Humor helps put things into perspective. Have a good belly laugh! Enjoy the minute while you're in it. See? The clichés are intact.

PS @flynnzie I deviated from my system. I didn't proofread and clicked Reply. My errors were due to typos, not wearing my glasses, and being impulsive. I could have edited by clicking the 3 little dots. I learned about them by practicing pushing buttons. I wanted to show you that "stuff" happens. Level of concern should be raised if:
● Frequency occurs more often.
● Duration of a "malfunction" lasts longer.
● Intensity becomes more extreme.
I'm a retired educator. If I don't use it, I'll lose it. I'm lucky to have found Mayo Connect. I have an opportunity to interact with talented and intelligent individuals such as yourself. It makes me feel sharper and less isolated.
Thank you for sharing.
Now, if I still have typos, it's because it's late, I've been on my smart phone too long, and my blurry vision, according to my doc-67, too, says it comes with age. Awwwww

WoW! So much food for thought, I won't even need breakfast :).
There are so many similarities among us in this group in life experience and age. I've never been diagnosed with ADD or PTSD, but a lot of it fits. That being said, the ever changing terminology is a pet peeve of mine.

When I first began to explore my sudden loss of function over 20 years ago, I was tested by a psychologist who determined that I had depression. No kidding, but that did not account for the physical symptoms I had been experiencing. As I was reading his documentation about me, there was a comment about how I was a pleasant woman, relaxed, etc. I called him on it by telling him I was not pleasant or relaxed; I was in fact having difficulty sitting upright and focusing in a mental fog.

I also called him on stating that I simply had depression, as it did not take into account my sudden inability to complete physical tasks or attend social engagements, not to mention my inability to work. He countered with stating that I had so many symptoms that it was considered undertreated depression. I repeated myself, and he sighed and said that when there is no diagnosis or treatment, issues sometimes get dumped into the category depression.

Validation and fury swept over me as the realization of being 'dumped' struck home. Having avoided confrontation most of my life, it was an uncomfortable step to go against the flow. It turned into a stepping stone as I became my own advocate. Labels mean very little to me these days:)

You're right about fishing for words or memories. The day's level of anxiety determines if I can toss it into the later category or fixate on it like a pit bull.
It was years after my issues first appeared that I realized that all my routines had been keeping me on an even keel. For the past few years I've been trying to reestablish new routines. That helps, but I still cannot accept my limitations and keep pushing my boundaries.

Ironically, when I was trying to figure out what was all wrong with me, the term clinically insignificant was a frequent flyer. Now there are no new symptoms for me, but new diagnoses keep cropping up. Back then, I was told that my coughing so hard that I had moments of unconsciousness was not impressive, I told the young man that if it was him it happened to it would defiantly be significant. I stopped driving for several years as I had an episode while in reverse and my toddler in the back seat. One time I 'came back' and I couldn't see for a few minutes.

Learning to take care of oneself when I only knew how to help others was and remains a huge challenge. Still working on the balance, and resent having to do so. Not so long ago, I used to tell my older patients that patience is required to allow our bodies to heal. With time, they will get better. How blithely my words came out to assure them, and how quickly I have reached their stage! Sorry that I didn't know better!

Above all else I think, is my fear of having no control over my life. none of us really do, but losing the illusion is a boomer bummer. Thank you, Adriana for your kind words and thoughts:)

My story is as complicated as my getting diagnosed July 2018, after 20 years of steady weight gain ( average 5 a year )
After trying many diets and unable to exercise ( my husband of 20 years is a physician and very fit for 72 yrs old )
I went from 132 lbs to 206 in that twenty years. Our marriage was terrible by the time I filled out the paper work to hopefully become a patient at Mayo, I didn't tell anyone esp my husband for fear he would put a stop to it....after all I was not exercising and wouldn't ( couldn't ) even go for a walk. So why on earth would I waste the time of these good Doctors.
Well on my last day at Mayo, a lovely endocrinologist ( specialist in metabolism) listens to my story and symptoms. In short order, she called me back after discussing my symptoms with a fellow. Together they feel strongly that perhaps I have an insulinoma.
It was day five and my plane was leaving the next day ( Saturday ). I told the Dr I will come back for further test to prove their suspicions. Seven trips later two huge surgeries I'm a different person. Oh, after my first visit to Mayo just four days later I found out my husband had been having an affair with a psychologist at work.
I'm 65 at the time. So we haven't seen anyone yet....the surgeries were first and foremost on my mind, now I will deal with the next chapter in my life. I did see an attorney to get my affairs in order just days before the second surgery. My husband has professed that he is done with his emotional affair with this married woman and we have been sleeping in the same bed for the past three months. My weight was his excuse for the affair. I lost 35 lbs within a few weeks of the first surgery....I can walk all day, not just to the mail box. I just hosted a huge wedding at our home for my nephew days ago. I'm stronger and happier than I have been in years. I don't know what is next but, because someone finally listened to me I have options...I'm not down for the count.
Thank you Mayo Clinic for taking me as a patient ( not doubt for a simple nodule on my thyroid ).