Depression: Handling Ups and Downs in Marriage and other relationships

@windwalker and @kw1904861

It takes a lot of courage to take care of yourself! I admire you both. It is important to have a safe place for yourself. Safe from verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse. I hope you can find peace without feeling guilty.

How are you dealing with feelings of guilt, @kw1904861?

Hi, @kw1904861 - wondering how you are doing? How was your weekend?

Hello Everyone
I am a 71 year old woman, living with my husband of 42 years. Over the past decade, what began as feeling pretty lonely for several years until my husband retired, soon morphed into mild depression and is now quite bad. My husband is a great guy in all respects with the exception of listening to and talking about "feelings." If I want to add a 50 foot fence to the back acre, we can talk for hours about THOSE kinds of "feelings," but if the conversations turns to more personal, deeper feelings, like why I've been feeling down and lonely lately, his "glass half full," personality, which I normally love, quickly tells me "You're gonna be fine. It will pass. Maybe you should see your doctor." I appreciate his effort. Like most people our age, we just didn't grow up in homes where really personal feelings were talked about openly, and even with our very best friends, a lot of feelings were withheld. You did not want the neighbors to know Aunt Betty was "CRAZY......" I'll stop here, otherwise this will turn into an epic tome. I just need to talk to people who understand how dark and scary depression can be. I need someone to walk with for awhile. Thank you ~Linda

@rubywitch67 Hi Linda! You've picked an older discussion to post into, but we are seeing you just fine.

I am just a couple of years behind you in age, and can indeed relate to the really personal feelings were not talked about. And, my husband and yours would certainly be mirrors for each other, let me tell you!

How have you been handling your depression up until now? Are you seeing a professional? Talking to friends or close family? Distracting yourself with creative endeavors or exercise or music? Writing down your thoughts?
Ginger

Hi Linda,
Can relate to the long dark periods of depression. I still wake up every morning with a dark cloud looming over me and medication doesn’t help. Do you have a therapist? Maybe look into support groups in your area. This forum is also a good way to connect with others. Keep trying.

rubywitch67 Hi Linda,
As you can see I moved your post here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/handling-ups-and-downs-in-marriage-and-other-relationships/?pg=4#chv4-comment-stream-header because I wanted to bring some further awareness to the dynamics of depression and relationships and how to navigate them. Also wanted to invite @pdnorm, @flow65, @audriana, @acoblin, @gingerw, @marjou, @miller0304, @johneckenrode11, @leerizz, @theai, and @smileygreen69 who have all participated in similar discussions.

We are here to walk with you. I would love to hear your answers from Ginger and Marjou's questions!

I have been treated for post partum depression three times and am currently receiving treatment for depression, no post partum needed. I am not sharing my situation with my husband, he has plenty of things he is dealing with mental health wise, so I am alone in this too. I see a therapist and have a psych who helps with meds.

Hi Ginger! I had to LOL when you said I had "picked" an older discussion to post into. Let me assure you, my computer skills, which are a joke, seldom extend to getting me where I actually want to go. I believe I belong to the Mayo Clinic Club? Group? Forum" (SORRY) and have for several years after being diagnosed with AFIB and then eventually having an ablation. Every day in my email I get a notice about new posts in the Heart Rhythm section. I thought I recalled seeing an index and would be able to jump into a group about depression very easily. Well, I'm very glad you found me and hope you will set me on the path I'm suppose to be on.
I refuse to get depressed because I don't know how to "drive a computer!"
I was very happy, Ginger, that you understood what I meant about the era we grew up and personal/family issues were not talked about. Aunt Betty wasn't "crazy," she was going through menopause and my older cousin Katherine wasn't "crazy," she had post-partum depression really bad and "crazy" Uncle Jack was an alcoholic, but we didn't find out for years that his wife had died during childbirth, he lost his job, began drinking, lost his house and soon Uncle Jack left town.
It's sad when you realize if we had known more, how much we could have helped. It's a better world but we still have a long way to go.
And why men can't, or won't, talk about feelings is a frequent topic among my women friends. Probably a topic among women the world over.
You ask how I've been handling my depression so far. Please know Ginger, I don't mean what I'm about to say in the slightest derogatory way at all, but have YOU tried to find a therapist any time over the past several years? They are ALL booked. Many became so overbooked, they burned out........now there are even fewer. I am on a number of waiting lists, but I've been waiting for a long time.
You suggest talking to close friends and family, Ginger, you have no idea how much I wish I could.
I know how pathetic I sound. I know all the things I could be doing to help myself feel better. I live on the West Coast and we had a very wet Spring, so all the yard work that I love to do, got put on hold. The night it stopped raining, we woke up to a heat wave. Today is Day 5 of 90+ degree heat in an area that normally doesn't get much over 70. Tomorrow the heat wave is suppose to break with record rainfall........I'm not just moaning about our little part of the country. I know there are folks that have it SO much worse than us. With everything going on in the world............I think I've reached my tipping point.

I understand how you seem to be struggling...and, as you put it yourself so well in wanting to respond to Ginger very respectfully I want to share another frustration of this kind of life: asking something about whether you've tried "distracting yourself with some kind of creative endeavor..." (for me) is just THAT: a distraction, and how long can one play games with oneself with "distractions"...? I know it's (distraction) not probably being presented as a solution, but I struggle in the moment, and constantly...how do you distract from a condition that is inevitable and seemingly with no hope of resolution?
Rather than expecting answers to this, I hope asking the question itself in a forum like this might provide a brief salve of likemindedness for some of us who are constantly struggling.

@rubywitch67 Yes, it is difficult to get connected with a therapist. Two years ago I reached out and asked for help. My pleas went unanswered. Then I got a call one day saying that if I felt I was in crisis, I could get an appointment in 3 weeks. I gently [well, not really gently, but with a lot more restraint than I thought possible at the time!] told them that was unacceptable. They told me to go to the nearest ER if I felt suicidal. The nearest ER for us is 50 miles away. They didn't have a response when I told them, "Wait. You want me to get on the road and drive when I am suicidal??? How is that a good thing?!"

Like you, talking with close family or friends is not an easy thing. Over the course of years, I have spoken a bit to my one sister. Finding our perspectives on the same situation are so different, it makes me wonder if we are even in the same family!

@brandysparks mentioned about distractions and all. What has worked for me is that by taking my focus off of what is upsetting me so much, to remove some of that energy, it has allowed my mind to sometimes see the issue differently, and to address it. For example, and true. I had something really bothering me. So, I went outside and was pulling weeds [always plentiful around here!] It was a distraction, not something I really like to do, but they keep coming back, darned it all. And as I'm doing that I realized that it was so much easier to not grab the whole weed clump, but work at it from a couple of different sides, a bit from here, a bit from there, and eventually work into the center of the mess. It occurred to me that is how I should look at the issue on my mind. Don't take on the whole thing, work a bit from different sides, move it out of the way and get to the core. That distraction helped me resolve the issue.

We all have methods to cope. Those methods work well at times, other times, not so good. I have used art therapy, writing, movement like walking or Tai Chi Chuan. By the way, I was able to finally connect with some professional help.

What makes you smile today?
Ginger