Mothers can mess up children, yes. Mine is sweet but messed me up. Sweet but not high on self appreciation. She passed the latter on to me, sadly.

I understand the backing away! A while ago a client was super nice to me but to me it felt 'way too nice'. She would sit very close to me and even often caressed my arm. I can't say I froze because inside things were racing and jumbling.

I would like to have friends. But I often feel clumsy. I don't want to expect too much or to put pressure on it. I also notice I am so used to making decisions for myself, on my own, that if someone suggests something I am at a loss; what's the next step? Should I do something? What? It just doesn't come naturally to me. I am so used to not interacting with people on a more personal basis that I either tend to be very personal or too business-like. When the umpteenth person told me I didn't mention my name/forgot to shake hands things really sank in: I am not very skilled in the people department on a social level. I can talk and chat and teach and help but when it comes to social rules and so on: clueless. This made me doubt myself for a long time. Nowadays I think it just complicates matters but the pandemic made me shy away from people even more.