Lonely and Just want to talk with virtual friends here

Thank you for sharing. To clarify (if I didn’t convey what I meant clearly,) I do not believe caring for one’s own needs, desires, and emotions selfish. I was conditioned to believe that as a young child in order to control my independence and strong will. I still struggle with those old tapes playing in my head. Intellectually, I most certainly do not believe caring for oneself to be selfish at all. I think self care is something we all deserve and need to be whole and balanced. It’s inspiring to hear of your group pursuits. I very much appreciate you insights. I am brand new to this type of exchange. It is quite nice.

Thank you Jan62.
it is difficult yes, and what you wrote could have been written by me.
I am sitting here wondering 'now what?' and don't know where to begin. To make matters more complicated I am in the process of losing the best cat friend I ever had.
'Us lonelies', yes.

@jan62 and @artscaping
Yes, this is a topic that is difficult and the past also comes into play. Like I said I started therapy and learn that I was not wrong about the things I noticed in the past and that my perception is not wrong either. I think I was primed by my childhood, making the later life very difficult because my reactions to abuse, for instance, were not 'normal'. I should have been more assertive and self-assured. I am learning though.
I remember at some point in my life I started a self-help group in which we could support one another to make positive changes in our lives, to help one another progress into a better place, a happier place. I was excited and enthusiastic to get this started and wrote down steps we could take, things we could try. Instead, the group ended up in a complaining bunch of people who felt miserable and made the others who felt something positive feel bad. They were almost all stuck in their ways without wanting to change and gave one another tips on how to get away with things that were not okay (too many meds, for instance, or purging, or bad eating habits in the case of the ones who were anorectic). I tried for a long, long time to create a positive vibe. The ones who were positive though left the group and I too no longer could deal with the negativity spiral.
With loneliness too: I feel that connecting to others should be 'real' and 'genuinely interested'. As written above in a reaction friendship cannot be forced. Nor can love, nor can any emotion of course. But where to start?

I have been described as 'quirky' and 'good weird'. I always felt this spark of positivity, of life. But I feel I am losing the will to live. It's not that i want to die, I just no longer feel I want this life.

I have just "found" this group and have finished reading all the posts. At this time of my life, I am 87 years old, I am alone and lonely. I lost my husband of 59 years and then I had to have a complete hip replacement. As if all this wasn't enough, I have become estranged from my youngest son. I am going through all of this alone. I have always had a tough time making friends. I do try to reach out but nothing ever comes of it. Even when I go to groups, I am not made to feel especially welcome. As you can imagine, this makes me feel that there is something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is. I now find that it is easier just to be alone than feel the hurt when you are rejected. Physically, except for recovering from the hip, I seem to be okay. I only have to take medication for high blood pressure. Since my husband's death, I have lost weight, which in my case is good. No one knows how much longer you will live, but at 87 it cannot be much longer. I did have one episode where I thought about ending it all, but I called the suicide hotline and now I know for sure it will not happen again. However the loneliness and the aloneness will always be with me.

Hi. I hope your feeling better. I am always open to new friends. What state are you in? MI here. If you would like to talk just reach out.
Look forward to pen pal’ing.
Kriss C.

That is so sad. And it's also what I fear will happen to me.
I have never been married but had a relationship with someone I'd rather not think about too much anymore. Therapy helps. It would have been so wonderful, I think, to have a loving relationship. That's what I looked forward to when I was young anyway!
You write that when you go to groups you don't feel they make you feel welcome. Why is that, is it because you expect others to make you feel good in the group, being a natural wall flower maybe? Or is it because you don't feel you belong?
When I went to groups I would usually end up alone close to the wall, or I would sit somewhere and start drawing, or look around. I was hardly ever spoken to. The strange thing is that this also happened during Summer holidays: I would usually go out alone and take a book or sketching pad, and have a drink on my own. Some guys would usually be interested but I was not into what they were into 😀 I must say that I actually had some friends, come to think of it, in that past: guys who were simply nice and with whom I corresponded after that Summer holiday, for years! But then life happened and we lost track of one another. I do remember them fondly though.
It's sad that you lost contact with your youngest son. Do you have other children? I always wanted to have children, I never had them, sadly.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. To clarify, I have not lost contact with my son, but the relationship it not a warm one. I do have another son and we have a warm, loving relationship. As to groups, I really don't know why I go there alone, feel alone, and leave alone. I do not expect them to make me "feel good." I just want some friendliness. I sometimes feel I have a mark on my forehead that everyone can see except me which says Do Not Have Anything To Do With This Person. I did start searching on line and I found an article about Psychopathic Loneliness. All the symptoms seemed to fit me. I also have had some friends, but almost all of them are dead now. Unhappily that's what happens when you live a long time. I must just have to get used to being alone.

@ellamster Can relate to the loneliness. I too have great difficulty and awkwardness in the friendship department. I believe it’s remnants of an issue with my mother not allowing me to make friends ever and seems I react when someone tries to get closer as friends I back away almost in fear. Weird I know.
Seems like I haven’t learned the art of it.

Hi I can always want a friend if you want me. I can talk on the phone better than text. If I can I always want to help. Cila

Mothers can mess up children, yes. Mine is sweet but messed me up. Sweet but not high on self appreciation. She passed the latter on to me, sadly.

I understand the backing away! A while ago a client was super nice to me but to me it felt 'way too nice'. She would sit very close to me and even often caressed my arm. I can't say I froze because inside things were racing and jumbling.

I would like to have friends. But I often feel clumsy. I don't want to expect too much or to put pressure on it. I also notice I am so used to making decisions for myself, on my own, that if someone suggests something I am at a loss; what's the next step? Should I do something? What? It just doesn't come naturally to me. I am so used to not interacting with people on a more personal basis that I either tend to be very personal or too business-like. When the umpteenth person told me I didn't mention my name/forgot to shake hands things really sank in: I am not very skilled in the people department on a social level. I can talk and chat and teach and help but when it comes to social rules and so on: clueless. This made me doubt myself for a long time. Nowadays I think it just complicates matters but the pandemic made me shy away from people even more.