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My Joy Is Withering away Because of Bullies: I Need Coping Skills
6/8/22
I need to reach out for help, but I don't know how. I've wanted to set an example that I'm strong, assertive and confident. I'm not. I'm a whimp. When I'm responding to someone it's with a sense that it's one on one. When I see my therapist or psychiatrist, I'm not exposed to aggressive or abusive verbal confrontation. I'm exposed to clinical assertive confrontation in a therapeutic setting--not in an authentic setting.
In 2019, when I was at a point in my life where I thought I could "Pay It Forward," I prayed for God to give me a purpose. I thought putting myself out there to advocate for the revitalization of my neighborhood would serve two purposes: use my time and talent to organize and implement projects and to put myself out there--to make friends and build working relationships.
Be careful what you pray for.
We've had a mixture of success because representatives at the city and state levels stepped up to help us. We have maintained a small core group of members.
On the other hand, most of the residents complaints focus on traffic and trash. Very few are interested in Enrichment.
Our mission statement includes the spreading of P.P.E.A.C.E through
Participation
Proactivity
Empowerment
Awareness
Collaboration
Enrichment
Among many, the two main unanticipated consequences I've experienced are apathy and antagonism. This is very ironic since we are an advocacy group.
The latter is especially evident in verbal abuse. Unfortunately, because we are losing our ability to actually talk one-on-one, texting and posting can be very confrontational: "Are you insane?"
"You're a narcissist!" "You're a coward!"
"No wonder nobody wants to be in the group...you're a dictator!"
"I'm tired of your passive aggressive BS" and "your lame apologies." "It's not your business. You are shameful!" "You make everything about yourself!"
The greatest sin I feel I can commit is the sin of omission...being capable of doing something but refusing. I can't figure out what I did to offend them. Their tactics give me chest pains--but I KNOW it's anxiety. If I told them that their behavior was having an impact on me, they would say, "you make everything about yourself!"
This is "she said/she said." I feel like I'm back in the 7th grade.
I know I'm not perfect. Sometimes the analysis paralysis kicks in as I consider and reconsider a post, comment or reply. More often then not, I choose to delete.
I cope well in confrontations when their is an expectation that the people involved will be reasonable. I've received training in Non Violent Crisis Intervention. The women don't follow the rules of engagement. They use low blows and nasty tactics. They harbor animosity.
One day, the daughter went with me on an errand for the group. I was having a lovely time. Then she started spewing memorized rhetoric: "You're a baby boomer. Your generation has made it impossible for me to find a job or pay off my school loans! You encouraged millennials to go to college, encur debt, and you'll use up all the social programs by the time I'm your age (67). You've made it impossible for me to live on my own. You're enabling me."
Uh, no. My children are 42 & 40. We taught them the importance of consequences...good & bad, appropriate and inappropriate. We taught them about choices...
I tell myself that everything will be okay. Then I get blindsided. I have lost so much sleep over the stress. I know I should "put on my big girl panties," "and don't let them get to you." "Ignore them."
These narratives have been continuing since last Thanksgiving.
We made it through COVID with Zoom meetings, but the mom & daughter team didn't participate.
Our group was established on 10/22/2019.
They joined 7 months ago.
We're going to fall apart because a mother and daughter are double-teaming me with their bullying. The group dynamics are being effected by their "agenda."
Yesterday was so bad on Facebook that I was advised to call the police and file a report for harassment. I was also advised to unfriend them and block them. While on social media, because I didn't engage, they texted me on my personal phone number. They called me a coward and much worse.
They told me that they kept screenshots...which in retrospect would be out of context. I have no clue what I could have written that was offensive.
However, my joy is withering away. Triggers are activating automatic negative thoughts.
I was proud of myself because I submitted a proposal for a grant. My goal was to not lose by default. I was determined to submit it on time with attention to detail--no dumb mistakes. I told my husband I felt good about myself because I started and finished a project. I didn't expect the proposal to be accepted because there was so much competition.
Now the mother/daughter team are threatening to go to the grant committee and tell them they are giving money to a horrible person.
Again, ironically, the grant is for crime prevention and includes building self-esteem, self-respect, self-control and even anti-bullying through an arts and crafts program.
My husband would like me to refuse the funding when it's disbursed on the 15th. At one point he saw that I was benefiting by the participation and social interaction. Now he thinks it's time to pass the group onto someone else.
I've gotten out of my head. Writing is therapeutic, but it can be lonely if nobody reads it. I was heading for a full-blown panic attack.
I saw my primary care provider earlier today. She was concerned because I was crying and sad. I was less depressed 6 weeks ago. She had a medical student with us and she described my history, including treatment resistant depression and the efficacy of Spravato. Today my doctor read my post that was yesterdays catalyst. She thought it was positive, direct and helpful. It was on our city's PD page. I know she would have told me if it was inappropriate. My primary care provider has always been candid. She was also concerned because I've lost 9 pounds in 6 weeks. Depression doesn't effect my appetite, but anxiety does.
So, I've had a good cry. I wrote in my journal. I'm going to share this on Mayo Clinic Connect.
All I ask is that the criticism be constructive. I like feedback. Your suggestions will be appreciated. Thank you.
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@audriana - I feel Facebook started out as a good thing but now it has become a platform for bullies to launch their attacks. I agree with your husband. Inform the funding source - well before the 15th - that you are no longer a part of that group, then leave this toxic group.
Hindsight is 20/20, I know, but that daughter who accused you of enabling her should have been reminded that her mother raised her - you didn’t, so if anyone was enabling her, it was her own mother, not you.
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7 ReactionsI’m so sorry you are going through this @audriana. You sound like a caring person who just wants to give back and be part of positive things. That’s great!…So good job 👍🏼
I think you hit the nail on the head when you call these individuals bullies. The dictionary describes a bully as:
1
a: a blustering, browbeating person; especially : one who is habitually cruel, insulting
That said, there’s nothing more frustrating to a bully than being ignored by their target, so good idea in blocking their comments and access to you. (You can block their phone calls and texts too)
As far as coping on a personal level…sometimes it helps when we can understand where a person is coming from when they act or speak hurtfully. However, in this case they sound like they’re coming from a place of an inferiority complex covered up with an overcompensating superior attitude.
Some people can’t stand to see other’s accomplishing good things, being happy or having approval.
And then sometimes people result to insults and the blame game when they are not getting things their way…much like a three year laying on the floor kicking and screaming when they don’t get the candy they want.
Unfortunately, social media is a perfect platform for people to behave like spoiled, selfish children. (Just like the young lady who tried blaming the “baby boomers” for all her perceived problems and injustices). Most of the time when someone is so vocal that they are suffering injustice, they are just looking for a scape goat for their own inadequacies.
Blocking the bullies’ attacks from reaching you, and continuing on the path you’ve already chosen is probably the best way to handle these kinds of people.
If you feel that the atmosphere created by these individuals is too toxic for you, or that the project is not worth the hassle, by all means turn it over to someone else and leave. Wash your hands (& mind and heart the best you can) or these people and move on to something else that makes you feel productive.
I hope you can find lots of support and that you can block these toxic, petty people from hurting you any more.
Best wishes.
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9 Reactions@audriana You have seen the posts by @witsend000 and @rashida and they are spot on. Remember, the strong opposition by the mother and daughter, is all about them and their own feelings, and really has nothing to do with you. Your efficiency and dedication to the project is grating on them, for some reason. Perhaps they had tried or thought about doing something similar, but you got there first. Are there others in the group that see how you are being treated?
What you certainly do not need, is working on something that is no longer bringing you joy. May I suggest you take a deep breath, reread your post, reread the responses from other members here, and make a decision that sits well with you. It appears you have done a great deal of work on this project, and it may be time to let it go with love, knowing you have laid a great foundation, and done your best.
Best wishes for a less trying/more relaxing day,
Ginger
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10 Reactions@rashida @witsend000 @gingerw
Thank you for sharing your perspectives. It feels good when I get grounded by hearing others' viewpoints.
Even @jeffrapp contributed in his own way. I Googled his quote
"In arguing, the truth is always lost:" and discovered the following:
"When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser."
Anonymous.
In this case, the duo resort to lashing out to get in the last word. I won't quibble between slander and libel. Their tongues and texts are equally malicious.
Why do I allow myself to be overpowered by bullies... to allow them to have my joy wither away?
Does anyone remember:
"So?"
"I know you are, but what am I?" (or is it vice versa? ...lol)
"It takes one to know one."
Apparently these ladies are in it, to win it, regardless of what negative impact they have on others.
It takes one, to know one. When I first interacted with the duo, my hackles went up. My spidey senses were alerted. I wanted to take the opportunity to get to know them, though. I didn't want to judge them by my first impression.
One phrase I kept hearing was, "It is what it is" which bothered me and I found an explanation of why: psychologically, it is a toxic saying: the link provides an interesting point of view.
Why “it is what it is” is a toxic saying | Opinion | ninertimes.com
https://www.ninertimes.com/opinion/why-it-is-what-it-is-is-a-toxic-saying/article_4de0b1cc-f00e-5124-8d6f-967fa7992f3a.html#:~:text=The%20basic%20meaning%20behind%20these,fix%20them%20would%20be%20pointless.
This is a personality clash. I'm introspective and cautious--an introverted extrovert. With a proviso...when I feel good, sometimes I have a false sense of security. I offer a little bit of spontaneity and let my guard down. ..I don't like using social media because I have not mastered the ettiquette.
I was told I make things all about me. I learned a long time ago, "All, always, never...over generalizations are not healthy.
I was under the impression that if I comisserated with someone, that empathy was synonymous. It's not. Commiseration is a selfish act. Empathy is a selfless act. I'm willing to learn new input.
This stuff makes me feel uncomfortable. It's difficult for me to acknowledge that I have some positive qualities, yet I know it's dysfunctional to make self-deprecating remarks. Perhaps where it was suggested that the duo demonstrate inferiority complexes, overcompensating with superiority, that I may have an inferior one. too. Sometimes, it doesn't take much to deflate my balloon.
Anyway, I will read and reread my post as well as the responses of @rashida @witsend000 & @ gingerw.
BTW...there are specific stipulations associated with the grant. I could be the most horrible person in the world, but having written a grant with substance that serves the well-being of the community is not horrible. I do not have to worry about retaliation directed at me nor the grant. Nothing is personal...lol
I will actually benefit by taking the mandatory seminars...I love to learn. I already know at this point, I've progressed as far as I desire. Tiers 2 & 3 involve establishing non-profit status. I'm satisfied offering the children an Arts & Crafts Camp...no free day care. The necessary element is parental/guardian/youth collaboration...and a community pot luck celebrating their self-expression, self-respect, self-discipline & self-esteem through the ultimate show & tell-- an Art Show.
Collaborate + Communicate = a CAN DO VILLAGE.
Last night, I slept for 2 hours. I had a Spravato treatment today. What makes me feel good is that I am treated as a person and not a case. There is human interaction and a sense of caring and warmth from the pharmacists who supervise my treatments. They certainly make up for the dastardly duo who have ingratiated themselves into my brain...like an earworm.
At this point, I have to get off of the hamster wheel.
I've been using guided meditations presented on YouTube by Jason Stephenson. His voice and messages are soothing. At night, they make a difference between taking a pharmaceutical or falling asleep to guided imagery.
As a community, Mayo Clinic Connect consistently helps me. I hope I have provided some insight in order to Pay It Forward.
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3 Reactions@audriana Deep breath. You've done well! Getting off the hamster wheel will bring you a measure of peace, and turning away from all the negativity will be beneficial to you. Bet next time you pay closer attention to your spidey sense, right? [I have learned to listen to mine, also!]
You take time for yourself this weekend, and seek that joy.
Ginger
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6 Reactionsi think we are living in a time where "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" has become passe. i am amazed at the fact people think nothing of spewing hatred to anyone and everyone. i hope you can get some relief in making changes that work for you. sending you tender hugs.
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4 ReactionsI can already tell from your writing you're a warm and caring person. My advice diverges from the rest. I have a history of avoiding situations. Now, I realize it's better to confront. You have done so much good for your community. What would you think about getting together in person with your group and establishing rules for how we treat each other? If you're sick of the name calling etc I'm sure others are as well. Then you can act on the rules by giving the ppl who aren't respectful- warnings. Three warnings and you're out of the group. It depends on the structure of your group too. Are you the President? Do you meet with a board to plan these events?
Anyway, leading is not easy....but I'd hate to lose a great community leader because of the actions of a few bad apples. Take care.
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4 ReactionsTo everyone who has reached out to me, thank you for your suggestions, comments, and concerns.
There are too many times in my life when chemically induced depression basically shuts me down and I isolate myself from friends and family because I don't want to hear the standards:
Cheer up! It'll get better.
Push through.
Try harder.
Also, the crying doesn't bother me. It's the slime that's so gross.
Then there's the element of human interaction that effects my affect.
I have a tendency to ignore my brain's natural "Danger, danger Will Robinson."
Naivete, Over-compensation. Pretending everything is ok, just to get through an event or interaction.
(I don't use Rexulti anymore, but their marketing hits the target.)
I don't know. However, as a result of the collective incidents we've discussed, I will be more mindful that:
1. As I enter into a phase I call "My Awakening," when my depression goes into remission I still have to listen to my natural defense system and be more discerning.
2. As I am in a depressed episode, I still have to be more vigilent and avoid acquiescence.
3. I was aware of fight or flee. Under duress, my tendency has been to flee.
Guess who taught me fright and faun?
I certainly was frightened; however I was not going to faun.
Years ago, our family participated in a social services project. A collaboration between the US Army and Vanderbilt University conducted a study on the efficacy of basically addressing all the family's needs, A la Maslow, in order to treat mental health issues in children and adolescents.
A LCSW explained to us: "You're mom/wife is a gnatter. When she has a problem, she flits from one person to another and shares her problem. Once she's finished telling
"everyone," the problem is out of her system."
Mindful of that coping strategy and its effect on my family, I began to rein in my gnatting.
Since that study ended, I think I also over-compensated by no longer venting..."self-disclosure is a dangerous thing."
30 years later, at this point, I hope I have achieved a happy medium.
Body, Mind, Spirit in Balance.
My Joy Will Continue to Thrive: Every Once In a While I Have to Use Some Fertlizer.
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1 Reaction@femalepersuasion
Great minds think alike. I have encountered many great minds on Mayo Clinic Connect.
First, as I am approaching the Arts & Crafts Program's portion of the grant, yesterday I was Brainstorming with a couple of members to establish the basics: Ground rules for the participants: youth, parents/guardians, mentors, volunteers, and instructor. Respect boundaries. Understand expectations.
I found myself reviewing our Group's Facebook page.
This Tuesday, at our regular meeting, we will have two guest speakers. Their topics:
1. Principles of Crime Prevention: Early Intervention & Instilling character
2. Community Empowerment. I'm going to livestream the meeting. I've noticed the positive results in the past:
• we convey information
• participants use more effective self-control
• effective time management.
As follow-up, I'm going to approach the guests for a mini-meeting, focusing on strategies to revamp our Group's rules. Then I'll include the group to develop ownership. I hope the results will be more effective--including consequences and recognition.
I anticipate that we will achieve about an 87.5 % success rate with the implementation of the grant. Being realistic, we have a community of about 3000 residents. Out of 24 members in our group, we have a core working group of 10. Unfortunately, one of our couples has encountered cancer. Even so. I received a call from her husband explaining why I wasn't able to reach them. She had an extensive surgery with a referral to an oncologist.
Then when I called to express my concerns, she said, "We won't be able to participate as much as we were. But we'll come to as many meetings as possible."
Speechless...
One of the grants components addresses sustainability and succession. With the working members that we have, who reflect their dedication to our community as strongly as "our couple"...I consider us 100% successful.
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