Hi there .... my heart goes out to you with the heaviness you must feel carrying all these thoughts. Someone may have already said this, but are you in therapy? do you see a Psychiatrist for medication? It sounds to me (a total non-professional!!) that you're having an obsessive/compulsive thought pattern and once a negative "tape" starts in your brain, it just keeps going round and round. If you aren't getting help, please do consider it. I know the world is a mess in so many ways right now, but since there is so little we can do about much of it, we just need to take the best care of ourselves we can. I struggle with Depression, not OCD, but if it weren't for my therapist and my Psychiatrist who prescribes the right medications, I'm not sure I'd feel life was worth living anymore. Believe me ..... be kind to yourself and take care of "you."
Blessings,
Barb