Hi @woohoo, you packed a lot into that short paragraph and I realize that you've only shared the tip of the iceberg. I know this is hard, but it sure seems like you're doing a lot of thing right. Give yourself credit for that. For example, you're educating yourself even if J choses to discontinue DBT therapy - at least for the moment. Understanding J's FAS can go a long way to supporting them, like shifting typical discipline approaches. Sending info to educate family and friends is a great idea too. That will help them support you better.

When my daughter was 15 (just a couple of year ago), I would tell her to do something and expect her to do it, right away. That's how we were taught at home. When dad said, we did. It frustrated me when M would say Yeah and then not do it. I'd have to remind her, etc. Then I learned that she needs to plan her day in advance. Expecting her to act right away sent her into anxiety or anger. So I adjusted my behavior. When I wanted her to do something, she added it to a list. It got done...on her timeline, but it did get done. Less stress for both of us.

What have you learned in your self-education about FAS that really helped you? What is one thing in your approach with J that has helped the two of you recently?

@woohoo You are in a tough situation. I've worked with child and families like yours. It is beyond taxing and I'm not going to say I know what you are going through.

I will ask, how are you taking care of yourself? Do you have a spouse? How are they taking care of themselves? How are you taking care of your marriage?

It sounds like you are a wonderful parent and you are seeking the correct help. May I ask if you are you in individual and/or family therapy? I ask because your child does not have to participate in therapy for things to improve. Improvement may be small and slow. It could be you taking better care of yourself, relying more on supports via asking for help, changing how you view the situation, etc.

@woohoo First of all you are doing the best you can - do not beat yourself up for a situation you did not create. You are doing all the right things. Our third and our tenth adopted children ( a boy and a girl) started having serious mental health and behavioral issues during their teen years. My husband and I had always wanted to help the children who were becoming “unadoptable” due to their older age. We never figured on all the “baggage” that they had that we could not “fix.” Ours were international adoptions. We did 6 and have 4 bio children. I think part of it comes down to identity issues plus genetics. A dear friend recommended the book, “ Walking on Eggshells.” I have read it more than once, and here is my takeaway- I am not the worse mom on the planet! These children often make you feel that way. Their personalities did not develop normally due to early nurturing ( lack thereof) and other issues like FAS etc. etc.. will add a host of other dilemmas for them and for you. Family, teachers, counselors, therapists will all have plenty of input- some good, some not. You are the one living it! If you are married you and your husband have to be on the same page. That is key. These children can sometimes bring out the worst in you. I think down deep they do not feel worthy of being loved so they sabotage everything!! I was mother of the year twice, but that did not prevent a DCF referral when #10 child started threatening me and people at school. She attempted suicide more than once. One of our adopted children used to tell me “she is all drama mom and wouldn’t actually do it” - that it was all for attention, but I certainly didn’t want that hanging on me!! I tried everything. Therapists told me she had RAD, bipolar, and borderline personality disorder. The impact of her on everyone in our family was great. I continually questioned my mothering, my parenting - my reason for being. I was wiped too! There was literally nothing left of me. But I am still here! She is 22 now and still struggling but doing better. She won’t take any meds which I know would help her, but once a child reaches 18 there is little you can do as a parent - which is beyond frustrating. You will make it through this, and you are so not alone! The good God loans us our children for a brief moment in time, but ultimately they belong to Him. I always found that sentence, “They belong to God” ( from “The Prophet”) very comforting. I am sorry you are going through this. Remember— You are not alone! Take care of yourself, and if you have to go outside in the middle of the night and scream - it’s ok! @irene5