Yes, yes and yes:) I am two years post kidney transplant and have dealt with a lot of emotions, I don't always know what to do with. I believe they arise from a combination of things. Certainly, the roller coaster of feeling your Life Energy slowly leaving, day by day, as your body prepares to die from organ failure; then experiencing the immediacy of Life coming back to you, by way of a gift you can never repay..... it is amazing, terrifying, and life altering. I would imagine a lot of us are in those in-between years of - not old but certainly not young - with children leaving our homes and starting their new lives. Many have faced career changes and/or retirement. Our old lives don't really fit anymore. Which can lead to some depressed thoughts and feelings, to which I always respond, "How can you feel anything but gratitude to be alive?" Which then leads to guilt.

I think transplant is a lot of things. It is a miracle. It is an amazing gift of life, which I have done nothing to particularly earn, nor can I repay it. It is an adjustment to living with, what often feels like a pregnancy to me - carrying something that is not really of my body. It is taking anti-rejection drugs that keep my body damped down , not exactly at the top of its game - where it would destroy my new organ - but functioning higher than it was before surgery. I have not cured my body. I have altered it, added to it. It's a lot to process. I think the body springs back from transplant in a matter of hours but the psyche has to catch up and it takes a while. And I think it is important to allow ourselves time to feel sad about the parts of our life that we no longer have. We have experienced loss, trauma, and a miracle.

I know the end of one chapter in Life, is the beginning of a new one, and the attitude we choose to, either embrace it or shrink from it, will greatly influence what that Life looks like. I am trying to redefine my role at work, to more of a part-time endeavor. I am working out most days, building muscle, as it is suddenly very important to me to feel Strong. I am spending more time in Nature. I am making time to do the things I longed to do, when I was in kidney failure and could barely walk across a room without having to sit down to catch my breath. And each week, I see at least one friend for tea, a nature walk, crafts, or at book club.

Blessings on your journey!