Wife of someone with borderline personality disorder, need answers

Hi, @scrappie08 - welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I can't imagine having your spouse and best friend change into a completely different personality with temper, anger, jealousy and acting inappropriately. Sounds like while you are hurting and having challenges with living with a spouse who is exhibiting these behaviors so far from what she used to be, you are also trying hard to stand in her shoes and look at her experience with bipolar, PTSD and now a personality disorder from her perspective.

I'd like to introduce you to @amberpep, who has talked about bipolar, as well as @parus @gingerw @beckysn @mblbirch. Hoping they can identify with some of what you and your wife are experiencing and also provide some support to you and any input they have to offer.

Why are you feeling it's too late to try and get things under control, as the doctor mentioned? Are her current medications helping at all with the symptoms she has?

@lisalucier Thank you for tagging me into this thread. @scrappie08, it must be heart-wrenching for you to see your best friend slide into a deeper abyss, knowing you "knew her when". Have you been able to have a heart-to-heart talk with her when she feels up to it, to tell her how you see it, and offer her assistance to help her along with her medical team? I hope her doctors have ruled out physical ailments that could be causing the dramatic changes you witness. If she has family or other friends, are they on her side or do you see abandonment by them due to her ways of coping with life? Are there any face-to-face groups that you could attend to help you deal with the burden you are carrying? Even though she is your best friend, your self-care is important, also.
Ginger

I grew up with a mother who had BPD and was a massive control freak. It negatively affected my mental and emotional health as a teenage. I ended up cutting her out of my life because of this a few years ago. I hear she has seen doctors and gotten her medications under control and living a better life. I think it sometimes takes losing contact with someone you love to change how you live your life. I am not saying you should do this, but worse comes to worse, do what you need to do to make sure you are mentally and emotionally protected. I would hate to see a marriage end, however, if he doesn't seek treatment, things will need to change either way.

Hi all .... oh my, there are so many of us that have dealt with a spouse with a personality disorder. My now x-husband had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is a whole lot of information both on-line about personality disorders, and bundles of books on them. When I moved from MD down here to VA, I kept some, but a lot I gave to the Library. Just go on a website and type in BPD, or NPD (write it out) ... wherever you want to look for books and you'll see lots. NPD's are (as my Psychiatrist said early on) that that personality type are "hard nuts to crack" and that he rarely sees them in his office, but sees a lot of their spouses. NPD's are ALWAYS right and will argue til they're blue in the face trying to convince you. Eventually, you begin to feel like you're stupid, can't think straight, they always have something far worse than you do, you don't think things through" blah, blah, blah. There is a lot of gaslighting to the point where you're convinced you have no brain and are lower than a slug on the IQ and thinking scale. Being raised in an alcoholic home, an only child, and being called a "rotten little SOB" of course I was prime for someone like this. Just a few small examples .... after I had our first child (we'd only lived in that city for 2 weeks) he picked me up at the hospital, ate lunch, and went right back to work! It was all about him. Another time I tore all the ligaments in my right ankle, barely could drive home, laid on the sofa with ice on it in horrible pain, called my daughter to see if she could take me to the Orthopedist next day (fortunately they got me in early). When he got home and asked what's wrong with you? I told him, he looked at it (this was before the doctor's appt. His response? "Oh, I've had worse than that playing basketball." My ankle and foot were 3x their size. My daughter almost went through the roof. Once I got into therapy with a really good PsyD and "woke up" (he had suggested starting with a book called "Trapped in the Mirror), the boat started rocking, and after 45 years of marriage, we were divorced. To this day he still insists he is right on everything .... it's actually sad. They are indeed trapped in a mirror of their own making. From what I understand, most of the other personality disorders, while requiring work, can eventually be healed, or more healed. Now he lives down this way as we both wanted to be closer to our daughters and their families, and we get along amicably now, but he's always shocked when "good Barbie" speaks up and disagrees with him. He doesn't even try to change my mind anymore. Love it! Barb

You obviously need to be in therapy yourself separately from your spouse and not with the same therapists. Since your spouse was diagnosed recently I presume he is receiving therapy and medication too. Good luck, you’ll need it and a ton of support.

Entering this blog over 10 years from your first post—just wondering how you are doing today?