@lauraloo81, I understand what you are saying. I really do.
Each one of us transplant recipients, has some underlying condition that caused our liver failure. And many of us continually question our good fortune to have received our gift of a second chance. At only 6 months, you are still getting used to the idea of everything that has happened to you. Keep in mind, too, that the immunosuppressant meds can cause emotional and mental responses when the dosage is not right. I don't think you should blame yourself for not decorating for Christmas this year. I was was 8 months post transplant when I had my 1st Christmas after transplant. I did celebrate the religious traditions that are important to me, but the Decorations, gifts, Ho Ho Ho, and Santa were far from my mind. I got really annoyed when family would ask me what I wanted for Christmas. Seriously, I had already received the best gift ever with my transplant. They got mad at me when I told them that I didn't need anything. Over time, I did reach a balance and I can enjoy the festivities while honoring my donor. It will happen for you too, over time.

As for deserving that beautiful liver, Remember that You were the patient who was matched with that organ! It would not have worked well for anyone else. I think that you are wise to have chosen to work with a counselor. I hope it is helping you as you move forward. I commend you for meeting the pre transplant alcohol requirements. What kind of support do you have available to help you to stay away from alcohol?

Laura, How is your liver doing? How are you feeling? And what are some of the things that you enjoy doing since the transplant and better health?

Hello @lauraloo81,

I believe that most transplant recipients feel some sort of guilt, but for varying reasons. To start with, we’ve gone through a traumatizing illness and on top of that we have a donor organ in us (unless one had a live donor). So, of course we’re going to feel a huge emotional burden, resulting in what amounts to PTSD. I for one was never a person to cry or get overly emotional, but after my transplant, and even now, I still become emotional…which is a normal reaction, as is guilt.

Most of my guilt was due to the burden I had placed on my support people. I’m single and estranged from my family. Fortunately, I had friends who sacrificed to stay with me when I was in end stage liver disease. I too felt guilt over my donor’s death. But I know I am not responsible for his death. So, I’ve turned that guilt into being a more appreciative person, particularly in my daily remembrance of my donor, the blessings for my second chance at life, and my loving friends.

I also try to channel the blessing of my transplant into supporting others on Connect who are facing the challenges associated with their illnesses, getting prepared for their transplant, and others that I may help through my knowledge and experience. As Rosemary says, donor organs typically have to match their recipients. And, we as recipients had to be ready for the transplant surgery and available at the moment we get the call.

It is of course a travesty that not everyone who is on the waitlist receives a donor organ. My role as an organ recipient, however, is to be forever grateful and to do the best I possibly can to eat well, exercise, remain positive, and take care of my awesome new liver.

I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. I also found my transplant team social worker to be very insightful. I hope you will also find the Connect community to be very supportive.

Be well, Athena