Quote -> "What creative things can you do with your children to have some fun and escape the stressful thoughts?"

-> Now, that's the question that I will use to finish this reply and I will take it as an opportunity to tell you about the real problem here. My wife, the way she deals with our daughters, the way she deals with me, the way she sees life, is actually devastating for me. She has very few patience for children. She admits it, she often says that she hates children and hates having to spend time with them. Unfortunately, children is not the only thing in life that she hates. Most of the time she is furious about something, anything, from the heat of the sun, to the sound of the wind, even the more futile things in life stress her out big time.

She complaints about something with rage at least 5 times a day. I think that the average per day might be around 20 times. And sometimes it gets to an extreme of rage that becomes exhausting for me, for my patience. Also, from the beginning, she never gave me any empathy or support because of this problem. Since day 1. I remember telling her about this, I think, on the 4th day after it happened. I told her "since Saturday dinner I have this symptoms in my throat as if a fragment of shell got stuck", and she reacted by turning her eyes and making that expression with the face that says "shut up you dumb".

It was not a surprise for me. I know her well. We have been together since 2002, more than 19 years. I knew before this that this person would never support me one day when I had a health problem. I just expected that for later, when I get to 55-60 years, not now with just 41. And it has been so much worse than I ever imagined. You see, I'm not complaining all the time. Even in the first 6 months, if we were to put together all the time that I talked with her about this, we may get to an average of no more than 2 hours per month. While she complains more than 2 hours per day about futile things that annoy her and making me feel that is my fault.

Now I already lost hope and I don't expect any support from her. The last time this subject was even mentioned was about 100 days ago, in early October. Since then, nothing. I prefer to not even mention it and hide when I cry. She hasn't had the decency of even asking me how am I doing for all this time. A lot of times, in the first 6 months, in the worst days of my life, as this is by far the worse thing that ever happened to me and in 2021 I suffered more than in all the rest of my life altogether, sometimes, I was so down, so anxious, in such need for a hug...

But I never got one. Not even a hand on the shoulder. Nothing. All the opposite, she kind of repelled me when I sought support from her. Many times she even reacted with rage. It came to a point (I think in August or September) that she even told me "I have no empathy at all for you and your problems", and "screw you throat", and so on, and so on. So, you see, it's not even just disappointment for not having her support. It's worse than that, she can't even ignore, she makes it even worse. And this type of acting, which is her problem, not my problem, is not only directed to me. She does the same with our daughters, with her other family members, with anyone who she is intimate with, she acts like this. Zero empathy, zero compassion, but even worse than that.

I know the impact it can have in a situation like mine. But I don't believe this is the reason or the root of the problem. She could be the nicest person, supportive and compassionate, and I would be in the same situation anyway. This is what I believe. But hey, it would be a great help if she acted with at least a bit of decency. I would probably deal better with the problem. Like this, I see this big problem and when I think I might be able to take my head out of the water and breathe for a while, I face this other problem and it brings me a lot of anxiety.

I know that now that I told you all this, you will think that it is an anxiety problem, a somatization through symptoms in the throat. Yes, I agree I have the profile for that and the ideal family environment for a perfect storm that could explain what is happening to me. It's true. But believe me, although all that is true, coincidentally I suffered some sort of rare accident that damaged something in my throat. And the doctors haven't yet payed enough attention to convince me otherwise.

Now to the question about creative things that I can do with my children to have fun and escape the stressful thoughts, there are a lot of things but it's hard to implement them in a way that is not stressful. When the mother is also present, it is usually very difficult, because something has usually already happened that enrages her. 

And, when she is not present, I'm stressed anyway because I know that once she arrives she will get mad with something, anything, whether it's something that is out of place, or something that I should have done to the girls that I didn't, as much as I try hard to have everything in order, the way she likes, she easily finds something to stress me out, making me feel that her life is miserable and I'm the one to blame. 

When it's all the opposite, I work hard and do everything that I can to give her and our girls a good life. And she has a good life. We are economically stable, she only works 3 hours per day, the girls are at school from 9' to 5', when there's no school I pay for the nanny, she does not have to clean the house, I pay for an housemaid, I pay for everything so that her salary is just for her stuff (hair, nails and shopping). She is completely healthy. She has everything and time for our wonderful 3 daughters, something that a lot of mothers dream of having, as nowadays it's very hard to have time for the kids. Oh, and she often says that I'm selfish...

I'm in a living nightmare. These 2 situations are getting me totally exhausted. To the point that I'm starting to think that I can't handle it anymore. If I didn't love life so much, if I wasn't a psychologically well balanced person before all this, I would be seriously considering suicide. But my brain does not work like that. Sometimes it feels like my brain is still in 2019, when everything was close to perfection. Or I have it divided in two, one part of the brain is devastated with all this situation, the other part is still pushing me back to when I was still a person.

Thanks.
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