Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on the writings. I first wrote when I was in throes of caregiving for my husband, who was in end-stage liver disease (cirrhosis). Truly the most difficult thing I've done and the caring and understanding words that were sent my way got me through some very difficult days... truly a God send.
Your writing caught my eye ... as I am less than three months into grieving process. My husband passed on 09/19/21. As I look back, our journey to his death was brief... four months. Our marriage, over the course of 20 years, had taken the backseat to the alcoholism, so I thought I had 'already' grieved. Unexpectedly, I have many difficult days since his death. I miss the man I married and love; I miss the life I wanted and prayed for. I don't miss the battle of addiction.
I recognize our marriage was not 'normal' - as the addiction creates a very different and necessary means of survival. That said, for years, I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. Despite living it, even I had a hard time believing what my life and marriage had become. In May 2021, when the Cirrhosis took it's vicious and complete hold over my husband and the days toward death were calendared, I truly felt like a pawn in the game of life. Each hour in emergency or day in ICU, I prayed and thankfully allowed God to give me the power of survival. When I brought my husband home to die, it was surreal. The Lord gave me the strength so we could have our final three days together at home - where my husband wanted to be. It was the only thing I could do for my husband and my final gift. As I write this I cry and recognize I would do it all again in a heartbeat for the man I loved.
Today, as I put one foot in front of the other, it is a journey in creating my new life. I know I am on path to living again, but here is a lot of healing, learning and growth in getting there. I cry a lot, I pray even more. I'm not afraid, but I am cautious. I cannot go through another season of life dictated by addiction.
I appreciated your sharing and hearing your words of success. Thank you as I needed a positive and reassurance there is a light at the end of this difficult path. Sometimes it feels like it's not out there! Part of the path of healing is allowing the flood of emotions and honoring them; I also believe part of the path is now allowing this to turn into self-pity and isolation. Yesterday I needed alone time; today I feel stronger and will venture out. That is the world of grief; and it is all good.
The human spirit has amazing strength. The power of support and sharing is incredible. God provides in ways we cannot imagine or expect. Thank you to all of you on this site as your words continue to provide incredible encouragement.