How about a laugh, (hopefully)

😂🤣🙃

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’ Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot would you say?'

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill....."

Adam said, "What is a Hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On

The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave."

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do That?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and

Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is It Now?"

And Adam said.... "What's a Headache?!

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the motorway coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nakedness to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy.

It wasn't long before the police pulled up behind me.

The policeman got out of his car and walked towards me.

I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......

"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Will I live to be 90?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and

exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A

little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do

you think I'll live to be 90?”

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a care.”

keep them coming @jakedduck1 ! You're on a roll today!

Are you perhaps a little bored today? You're keeping me chuckling on the last leg of a long drive.

We were just passed on the road by a noisy little black sports car going way too fast and weaving through traffic. It has a silly looking spoiler that is both higher and wider than the vehicle. My husband quipped "I can fly! I can fly!"
I was thinking "Bear bait."
Sue

OK Jake, I had to go deep for this one because I know you love these 😁

I got my wife to help my put some posts in the ground for our new fence, I gave her the new hammer and I said, "When I nod my head, you hit it." I don't remember much after that.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. While she’s exploring the island one day, the blonde sees the mainland only about a mile away. She runs back to the other two to report her discovery.

“Hey!” she says when she gets back. “We’re not that far away from the mainland. Let’s all swim there.”

So the three women return to the beach and cautiously walk into the water. They start swimming, but it’s only about five minutes before the redhead gets tired. “I’m exhausted,” she says to the other two. “I’m going back. When you get there, tell someone to rescue me.”

“Okay,” the brunette says, and the redhead turns back to the island.

The other two women swim on. However, only about ten minutes later, the brunette, too, gets tired. “I’m exhausted, too,” she tells the blonde. “I’m gonna go back to the island as well. When you get there, tell someone to rescue us.”

“Sure, I promise,” says the blonde. And she continues on.

Eventually, she gets to the point where she’s only a hundred yards away from the other shoreline—she’s so close that her feet can almost touch the sand. But she gets tired and turns back.

—

So the three women are still on the desert island, and now they’re all exhausted. They start arguing amongst themselves about the best way to get to the mainland.

Something shiny on the ground catches the brunette’s attention, and she looks down to see a lamp wash up onshore. She picks it up and rubs it, and a genie pops out.

“You are my masters now,” says the genie. “You each get one wish.”

The brunette goes first. She walks up to the genie and whispers in his ear, “I can’t stand this blonde—she’s so stupid. She made us swim out to the mainland, but it was too far. I wish I was back home with my family.” She disappears.

The redhead goes next. “I can’t stand her, either,” she whispers to the genie. “It was the dumbest idea ever. I wish I was home with my dog.” She, too, vanishes into thin air.

A moment later, the blonde looks up. “Ooh, look! A genie!” she exclaims. She looks around and sees that she’s alone, and then she says, “I wish my friends were here to see this!”