Hi. I was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia at age 20. Married at age 21. I was extremely fatigued and daily chemotherapy made intimacy impossible at times. My husband never complained if we couldn't have sex for months at a time. Regardless of our newlywed status, he took his vows wholeheartedly. After all. He married me knowing full well the outcome was bleak.

Ten years later, he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sex became a real challenge. As we all know, there's a lot of movement going on. If you suffer with chronic pain, fatigue, or incontinence, your body simply shuts down and sex becomes a no go area. For him. He was always subconscious of 'what might happen' should he have an accident during sex. He would often crack a joke but I knew how much it bothered him. Going from a fit young man. Extremely athletic, to feeling trapped indoors like a frail old man.

*I apologise for the long post.*

Another ten years passed, with various treatments, and his health ping ponged. He had good days and bad days. Like myself, still taking chemotherapy, still fighting, right along side him. Sex was kinda like, "oops, that didn't go as planned... ABORT ABORT!! MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!" Sometimes we joked about it. More often than not, there were tears, apologies, more tears. Arguments. Gosh. I really hated those. He never shifted the blame. After all. He was sick.

Then we were tested again. He got sepsis and pneumonia. After being in a coma for 3 weeks in ICU, he woke up. He had lost 80% of his memories. He didn't know, recognise, people, places and it was a very hard time for him and our family.

Being told your husband is dying is extremely difficult to accept. I argued with the doctors and specialist. "He's my buddy. I won't give up on him. Hope. That's all I have."

When he came home that first night from the hospital, all I wanted was to make love to him. To reassure myself. I know that sounds kind a selfish, but we had always enjoyed sex. When I nearly died from an ectopic pregnancy, and over dosing of chemotherapy, we always reconnected deeply through sex. But I knew deep down he had been through a traumatic experience and it would be inappropriate to expect it.

Going forward another 5 years, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. (2021)

It's been a total of ten years without sex in our marriage. I think sex is a big part of being married but it's not a deal breaker. Do I miss it? Sure. Does he miss it? Absolutely. He has offered to take medication to try and fix his erectile dysfunction but I can't consciously ask him to. The risks, side effects, are simply too much to put him through for a few hours of pleasure.

Again. I apologise for the long post. I guess I talk too much.😂