Depressed caregiver

You absolutely have to take your walks or do something else to fill yourself up. My daughter's husband just went through a horrific surgery, but he's doing amazingly well. She called me yesterday when she was out walking because she's discouraged. She said that he's healing amazingly well and there is no cancer left, and she's waiting for him to experience gratitude. Well sometimes the person who isn't feeling gratitude for a miracle just isn't there yet. Even if all of that is done with, and they are healing they need to go through their own mourning process for what happened. They are still too numb from all that they went thru....chemo, radiation, surgery, tube feedings, or are going thru. Each member of the family doesn't get to peace at the same time, and the sick person is depressed and a bit crabby. But you need your walks, your sip of coffee at a cafe with a friend, your yoga workout in the park with a buddy. Whatever fills you up or you won't be able to help her. Her husband yelled at her, which he doesn't typically do. But he said the words. "I'm depressed, I'm climbing the walls." she's exhausted from being his support person, and she sees them as ready to be grateful, and ready to move on. Well he isn't. You need to hear her words. "If you need to be happy all of the time then just leave." Not leave forever, but go for a walk. clear your head. She just isn't happy, and neither is he. I haven't followed your story, and came by it by accident, but I'm one of her supports while she supports him. Find your support wherever it is, and leave the house to re-create yourself, so that you can support her. Go into a different room and listen to music and pet the cat, call home, do what brings you some relief even for a 1/2 hour...watch chick flicks after she falls asleep. Your daily walk is hugely important, just learn to do it w/o guilt. Guilt is a luxury you cannot afford right now. An hour for a walk or run with head phones, and listening to music is a necessity right now. My daughter works full time as a CEO and is very busy, but took time to be home while he experienced this journey, but her walk or her 7 mile run kept her sane. Without some relief she would be a basket case. Take care of yourself. You must. Began to take the guilt free walk every day. You have my permission. Kiss her on the head as you go out the door, and enjoy the fresh air. Then when you go back you can have a sip of green tea together or maybe pick dandelions on the way back, and put them in a jelly jar for her. Be creative. If she's still angry it still isn't your fault. But do what you can to take care of you. You are important.

@deek15redpeppers- I am a long-time lung cancer survivor and have been a caretaker for a couple of friends and for my mom when she had Parkinson's disease. I had to move into my mom's for a couple of weeks and be a 24 hr. caretaker. My younger sister also helped, but I was there all the time. Even the day that I knew that she would die I at least stepped outside for a break.

Since your wife is very depressed have antidepressants been offered to her so that she might feel a bit energetic and maybe want to do something with you? Have you thought of taking them yourself? I do agree that exercise is the best antidote but sometimes it's just not enough.

How long has your wife not wanted to talk? Can you talk to her at all about anything? She just might be scared to death to open up and talk. I'd give her all the room that she needs and see what happens. Is that possible?

@deek15redpeppers How are you doing today? Explain to your spouse that palliative care will help you understand what she wants and that you will do what she wants. Does she have have an MDPOA? This is a medical power of attorney and health providers look to it when determining care.
When is your virtual meeting? Do you think your spouse will discuss the MDPOA?

Thank you, thank you. You said so many helpful things. What you said about 2 people being in different places makes a lot if sense. My spouse is more accepting of the situation, while I am still struggling with that.

Tonight will be my 5th walk with music or maybe a call to a friend. I'm coming to realize I haven't used my support people as I could have been. It somehow just felt easier to say we were doing okay...when really I'm not.

I am so glad I joined Mayo Connect. The responses have been amazingly helpful in just a few days.

Thank you so much.

You are certainly welcome. I'm glad that you reached out and spoke about your struggle. It is so helpful to know that we are not alone in this vast universe. I never even told my grown children when I was at my worst, so believe me I do not know all of the answers. I learned a lot on my journey with PMR and GCA, but I would have been far better off if I was honest from the beginning. I was always "doing OK". I even stayed away from people a lot, and "I knew better, but I didn't do better." This all came to me during the course of this disease. We learn a lot from our experience. You are doing the best that you can. No one can expect more.

Thank you again. Support from people like you is helping a lot. Why did I wait so long to reach out?!

I had my walk tonight with music, then we worked on a puzzle together for a bit. During dinner i got her to talk a little bit and she denies being scared of what the future will bring. She also clarified what she meant when she said I could leave - saying it's not fair to me. I reminded her of her favorite saying "Life isn't fair, get used to it". I would never leave a spouse I love because she is ill and can't do all the things we used to do...and I told her that. Now to just figure out what we can do...

You are certainly welcome. I'm glad that you reached out and spoke about your struggle. It is so helpful to know that we are not alone in this vast universe. I never even told my grown children when I was at my worst, so believe me I do not know all of the answers. I learned a lot on my journey with PMR and GCA, but I would have been far better off if I was honest from the beginning. I was always "doing OK". I even stayed away from people a lot, and "I knew better, but I didn't do better." This all came to me during the course of this disease. We learn a lot from our experience. You are doing the best that you can. No one can expect more.

Thank you again. Support from people like you is helping a lot. Why did I wait so long to reach out?!

I had my walk tonight with music, then we worked on a puzzle together for a bit. During dinner i got her to talk a little bit and she denies being scared of what the future will bring. She also clarified what she meant when she said I could leave - saying it's not fair to me. I reminded her of her favorite saying "Life isn't fair, get used to it". I would never leave a spouse I love because she is ill and can't do all the things we used to do...and I told her that. Now to just figure out what we can do...

That filled my heart to read about your walk with music, you two with heads together doing a puzzle, the small talk at dinner. it brought tears to my eyes. Then to read sueinmn speaking of her Mom made me smile, to see her walking along the long, and then the short trail home with her. That's what my husband and I are doing. We do 'something' every day. We always talk about our day when it's over, and we talk about how grateful we are to have had this opportunity to live a long life together. This is a second marriage for each of us, and the first time around wasn't so wonderful, but he has a son, and I have two sons, and a daughter, and we are spending our 48th year together. We're both very different, and have different interests, but we support each other's interests and developed so many common interests, and we grew enormously in our relationship. I cry a little each day because I know it's coming to an end, but I smile more often than I cry. I wonder how he will do if I don't hang on long enough, as his memory becomes more challenged. He wonders who will bring in the newspaper for me every morning, and bring me my second cup of coffee. But then we plan our day, and do something outrageous, like plant a massive new garden (me using my Rollator and him following behind with his wheelbarrow and shovel). Or he goes to the corner and plays cribbage with his cronies, and I work on a design for a new project. My son had his company put in a fabulous new ramp for me yesterday, and you should see me cruising down that ramp. LOL. Have a wonderful day, because everyday we have to decide...will it be a good one, or a not so good one, and then figure out how to make it a good one with what we are handed. You did good girl! keep up the good work, and that means crying if you need too. It's OK. I am sending my love to you, and to anyone who read my messages.

Gads, the replies are entirely excellent! I am grateful I am able to read them.

I have secondary progressive MS, RA and adrenal insufficiency, all being "treated" currently. I,too, am able to totter around and mostly do a good job on the "house work"...but I am not as strong or fast as I was even a year ago so it seems I am very slow, an entirely correct assumption.

Being a reader I reread books and articles and relook at art work, relisten to music of Europe and the Americas and lots of Buddhist music. Many times I wish I could speak the languages of the Asian countries as I listen to the meaning of their songs and cannot appreciate the subtilities. I was not raised in the USA even though my parents are Caucasians and were born and raised in northern CA.; I do read and write English and was never encouraged to learn Mandarin or Tagalog. I can and do spend time thinking of the feelings the music I don't understand directs me toward. I do not mind if my "room mate" cannot share any of this. Each of us in the end cannot go with anyone to our final destination...they can only share part of the ride. I appreciate that very much.

I think after years of this sort living and thinking there is no one who can share our experience except to share it tangentially. That's o.k. as we can still share movies, our thoughts and things we see.

I hope this look into another person's life with incurable, painful and unrelenting disease is helpful. We must never think our life was or is unappreciated or a failre. It was not and is not.

Nemaste, Bodega

We do truly live in a gorgeous world especially at dawn and sundown. Our family is precious even if they live a thousand plus miles away. . We live and that is precious beyond belief. I pray I die in my sleep.