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deek15redpeppers (@deek15redpeppers)

Depressed caregiver

Caregivers | Last Active: Jul 23, 2021 | Replies (42)

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You absolutely have to take your walks or do something else to fill yourself up. My daughter's husband just went through a horrific surgery, but he's doing amazingly well. She called me yesterday when she was out walking because she's discouraged. She said that he's healing amazingly well and there is no cancer left, and she's waiting for him to experience gratitude. Well sometimes the person who isn't feeling gratitude for a miracle just isn't there yet. Even if all of that is done with, and they are healing they need to go through their own mourning process for what happened. They are still too numb from all that they went thru….chemo, radiation, surgery, tube feedings, or are going thru. Each member of the family doesn't get to peace at the same time, and the sick person is depressed and a bit crabby. But you need your walks, your sip of coffee at a cafe with a friend, your yoga workout in the park with a buddy. Whatever fills you up or you won't be able to help her. Her husband yelled at her, which he doesn't typically do. But he said the words. "I'm depressed, I'm climbing the walls." she's exhausted from being his support person, and she sees them as ready to be grateful, and ready to move on. Well he isn't. You need to hear her words. "If you need to be happy all of the time then just leave." Not leave forever, but go for a walk. clear your head. She just isn't happy, and neither is he. I haven't followed your story, and came by it by accident, but I'm one of her supports while she supports him. Find your support wherever it is, and leave the house to re-create yourself, so that you can support her. Go into a different room and listen to music and pet the cat, call home, do what brings you some relief even for a 1/2 hour…watch chick flicks after she falls asleep. Your daily walk is hugely important, just learn to do it w/o guilt. Guilt is a luxury you cannot afford right now. An hour for a walk or run with head phones, and listening to music is a necessity right now. My daughter works full time as a CEO and is very busy, but took time to be home while he experienced this journey, but her walk or her 7 mile run kept her sane. Without some relief she would be a basket case. Take care of yourself. You must. Began to take the guilt free walk every day. You have my permission. Kiss her on the head as you go out the door, and enjoy the fresh air. Then when you go back you can have a sip of green tea together or maybe pick dandelions on the way back, and put them in a jelly jar for her. Be creative. If she's still angry it still isn't your fault. But do what you can to take care of you. You are important.

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Replies to "You absolutely have to take your walks or do something else to fill yourself up. My..."

@lizzier Wow, this is so wonderful!! I can imagine that you are a very strong support for your daughter. How are she and her husband doing now?

Thank you, thank you. You said so many helpful things. What you said about 2 people being in different places makes a lot if sense. My spouse is more accepting of the situation, while I am still struggling with that.

Tonight will be my 5th walk with music or maybe a call to a friend. I'm coming to realize I haven't used my support people as I could have been. It somehow just felt easier to say we were doing okay…when really I'm not.

I am so glad I joined Mayo Connect. The responses have been amazingly helpful in just a few days.

Thank you so much.

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