Hello @lonelyhusband1968 and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Empathy for another person's situation is core to this community, so I am glad you've joined and shared your feelings and experience.

It is understandable she isn't able to have sex if it causes pain. What I am wondering if she is open to intimacy, outside of intercourse, or if she is no longer interested in general?

Sounds like counseling might be a consideration?

Hi, I have been marriage for about 24 years my husband has diabetes. He also has atrial flutter. He’s had a couple of strokes, but Our sexless marriage has been going on for about 11yrs. Now. If I bring it up he goes into a rage and makes me feel like I am such a selfish person for wanting to discuss it. By the way I don’t push the issue very often. He has become increasingly aggressive and angry toward me. I always lived the way he would light up when our eyes met. I remember the first time in our relationship that our eyes met and he had the look of disappointment and disgust in his eyes. That day will forever be burned into my mind. I am not even sure why I am trying to discuss it with strangers. I guess I’m just looking for someone with similar circumstances that maybe could shed some light on how they handle it I try not thinking about it. I’ve had a lot of practice at this point in our life is about him his illness, his feelings how he feels about everything and never how I feel am I being selfish. He goes into a child like rage when I try to talk to him about how I am feeling. We have tried bringing other elements into our marriage in our sex life like adult videos toys, but it has to everything has to be on his terms and also when we do watch the adult videos he seems to be able to get aroused. Over the years I’ve put on a little weight, not a lot but enough that I am not that calendar girl that he married he tells me about it regularly. He doesn’t mind discussing issues that he feels. I should be more concerned about like looking like I used to instead of us talking openly about both of our situations. He seems to only want to talk about my changes and being that he seems to get aroused when we watch adult movies or other women. It makes me feel like it must be me and of course he says it’s not that it’s his illnesses but again , when we have been in that situation, it is obvious that he is a little more eager. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel very strongly that if she was on the other foot, he would not be patient nor would he be faithful and his excuse would be , I can’t do it so you know why should he have to spend the rest of his life without it of course he says that’s not the case but with me he always takes that. It’s not me it’s you so why should I have to suffer attitude. I know you loves me, but I am confident he is no longer in love with me has changed dramatically over the years and I understand the change due to his health and I’ve been very supportive and try to be very understanding but he wants me to change drastically with him and I’m not ready I like the night so much better than the days. I’ve always been a late night person. He doesn’t understand that I don’t know how to make him realize that not everybody has to be the same. It’s not one size fits all, but yet he doesn’t see his changes are so drastic like overnight it’s not like anyone gave me a instruction manual and said OK now this is the way you have to be so forget everything that you are and that you’ve always done and you have to be this way because your spouse that’s the way you need to be because that’s how he feels am being selfish to not just conform should I adapt to his life and his way to make him happy because every thing is an argument and then I feel guilty like I tribute to him having the stroke and he says he tells me that so I try not to argue. I tried to give him his way, but I feel like I have become a shell of myself and there’s nothing left of me. So I Suppose my question is. is it my duty to adapt to everything he wants the way he wants me to be ? even though that is the complete opposite of who I am. Am I Unloyal and a bad wife to not want to be that person that he wants me to be?