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Problems with adult children being extremely critical
I am at the absolute bottom trying to hang in there, have people to talk to. This has been going on all year. Starting with my oldest being viciously critical of me. I finally backed off of arguing with her and we are communicating online. She just recently sent me a sarcastic email, but I didn't get into a conflict with her and replied calmly to her.
About October, my middle child stopped talking to me. If he did, he sounded very angry. I don't know what's been going on with him, but I suspect it is related to telling her I talked to her father more than a year ago. (She broke relationships with her family, maybe 2 years ago.)
I felt much better when all of my 3 children talked to me on the phone at Christmas. In the last month, my youngest son, who is gay, told me that he was having mental health problems because of not getting what he needed as a gay person when he was young. Before, he always seemed happy and affectionate. I did not know he was gay until he came out after college. He has given my husband and I a book about emotional neglect.
I am extremely low, obsessing about negative things (of my whole past), and generally moving through molasses I have a supportive husband, some good friends, and a good therapist.
Thank you for listening.
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I meant to say that my husband keeps some communication with them.
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2 ReactionsIt's been painful for my son who since his divorce his daughter refuses to communicate with him. Her graduation from high school is soon and he is not invited to the ceremony. For a mother this is very hard to take. There is hardly any communication between me and my granddaughter as well. I'm wondering what it will take to have her come around.
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2 ReactionsUnfortunately, this is not uncommon. I wish I had some advice. Write letters is the only thing I know of.
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2 ReactionsI have a similar situation with my 15 yr old granddaughter. Her mother died when she was 3 1/2. I was babysitting her at the tiime. My belief is that she somehow associates me with the loss of her mother. My son remarried when this child was 5. She's had a loving mother for the last 10 years, but she remains unreachable to me.
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1 ReactionI am so sorry for your situation with your children. My only child lives with his wife about 7 hours away from me. His in-laws live nearby, so they spend all holidays with them. I go to visit when I'm able, but I've had several health issues that make travel difficult. My grandchidren barely know me. I hate holidays. Everyone I know is happy about being with out-of-town family. I just pray for January 2 to come quickly while I stay home and cry most days.
I, too, have been cut off from contact with one daughter because we financially helped her sister during a divorce. There are also 2 grandkids involved whom we don’t see as well. In my opinion, the estranged daughter should be counting her blessings that she’s not the one in need. I may get some grief counseling. Estrangement seems a form of death to me.
I agree with you. It was only recently that I realized I was grieving as though someone had died. For me, it comes with a lot of guilt because I feel like I failed my children and I feel like that my daughter is accusing me of the same things I resented in my parents.
Grief counseling would be a good thing. Right now, I have started reading a book, "When Parents Hurt" which describes my situation pretty much on the spot. The bookencourages self compassion which I am trying to get my head around. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
It is so hard for parents and grand parents. After my sister died, my parents could not keep in touch with her children. It was only when the youngest was getting married that my other sister and I were invited to the wedding. I wish that children would realize that we only have people in our lives for a short time.
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2 ReactionsAnother great book is The Courage to be yourself. Sue Patton Thoele. The sadness, I believe, is from being "dead" before you are - I finally decided it is not on me to carry the load for whatever the child is going through. In my late 60s, I feel like time is limited to share more experiences, but it is less painful to find my life and joy in other places. Also, it helps to keep in mind that your child may not be able to give you what you need.
I couldn't even make myself shop for birthdays and Christmas this year -- I usually mail, but hear nothing back. Two very photogenic grandchildren that I haven't held. Travel is tough as I never know how to act or how familiar to be. We are busy with fellowship at church, donate time and effort for kids there.