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I agree with you. It was only recently that I realized I was grieving as though someone had died. For me, it comes with a lot of guilt because I feel like I failed my children and I feel like that my daughter is accusing me of the same things I resented in my parents.
Grief counseling would be a good thing. Right now, I have started reading a book, "When Parents Hurt" which describes my situation pretty much on the spot. The bookencourages self compassion which I am trying to get my head around. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
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I've been in therapy much of the last 10 years to try to deal with the "loss" of my granddaughter after her mother died when she was 3. Her feelings toward me haven't changed much, but she's now 16, and I'm still grieving. It's hard not to picture the relationship as I'd like it to be rather than what it is. I've become involved with a local spiritual center (Science of Mind). The people there have been helpful when other things have not been. Of course, all this came to an abrupt halt when Covid hit. I'm hoping to become involved again once things open up. I need to get my joy elsewhere, but it's a great challenge every day. I intend to read the book you recommended. Thank you.
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Another great book is The Courage to be yourself. Sue Patton Thoele. The sadness, I believe, is from being "dead" before you are - I finally decided it is not on me to carry the load for whatever the child is going through. In my late 60s, I feel like time is limited to share more experiences, but it is less painful to find my life and joy in other places. Also, it helps to keep in mind that your child may not be able to give you what you need.