@bborth

Another long one… but so many thoughts on your question: How do you keep any optimism, and what has helped you deal with the mental issues in all this?“

Please do not feel sorry for me. This is life.. good and bad. I have many blessings among all I have been and am going through.
Through my experiences I have met people from many other countries. It has been educational meeting and interacting with them.

My physical problems have affected my mental outlook many times.. but there are also other things to affect me mentally. My dad passed away in 2000; my mother-in-law and a nephew (he committed suicide) in 2017; my sister, a close friend and my father-in-law in 2018; one of my brothers in 2019 (he had lived with our mom.. she came to live with my husband and me in June if 2018); my mom passed August of 2020 and then in October a cousin that I was close to. Other worries with family.. same as most families.. we function the best we can.

I will be 70 years old in a few weeks. My husband 71. He is what keeps me going.. bringing joy to my heart and always vigilant in my care. He loves me beyond measure. We will have been married 52 years in August. He has stayed by my side through some pretty difficult things.. he was by my bedside in prayer and tears when I was so sick with infection.. iffy I would make it through it alive.. I have met others whose spouse deserted them when life got hard.

We have a daughter… we rarely see…. just the physical distance keeps us apart. She is married with no children. We talk often. We have a son who is married .. his wife came with two children, one lives with them and one in Virginia… and he and his wife (an alcoholic) have two children together. We do not see them as often as we like. We talk.. a lot! The grands call often.. especially the six year old. They always brighten my day. .. even when they have a problem they need help with.. like coping with their mom. .. or what color should they color a dog on their coloring page.

I keep my mind busy as I can. I crochet and play games on my ipad. I love to walk. I have had trouble with walking the past year because of sacroiliac dysfunction. I pretty much have walked around the yard with the dog the past few months. I had SI joint fusion about 3 1/2 weeks ago. I am walking better and walked the street in front of our home… a map online said I walked about .8 miles. I will make that mile soon. 😀. I do other exercises as I am able to keep my muscles and bones healthy. I love genealogy.. what bigger puzzle could there be to keep my mind busy and functioning.

Happiness is not something that just happens… it is to be sought after and created. It is something that should be in your everyday thoughts and actions.

Little things… they are what bring happiness. Maybe as little as a smile received or given. 😀. I like to share a smile .. and maybe with a nod of the head to acknowledge them.. with a stranger as I pass them in a store or doctor's office or as they walk pass my home. A smile.. I have found to be one of the greatest gifts to give someone. .. and has been one of the greatest gifts I have received.

There is a small assisted living home around the corner from us. Every time my husband drives past and someone is sitting on the porch he toots the car horn and waves. The residents always wave and smile. I look at my husband.. he is waving and smiling. He smiles until something else distracts him. I smile because he is smiling.

I spoke of happiness… happiness is my hope… my optimism .. and spoke some on despair. Now I speak more of despair.. of depression. I have been to the deepest pit of darkness. .. where I saw not even a speck of light.. of hope. I honestly thought of suicide in 1997. Why I felt that way .. I still do not know for sure. It was a year of one thing after another.. illness and death in family and I had surgery myself.. a hysterectomy.

It was time for my yearly checkup with my family doctor. We spoke about.. I have no idea what.. then he says he has a questionnaire (basically about feelings.. reactions to situations) he wants me to answer. It was several pages and took about an 30 minutes to complete. The nurse takes it to the doctor to read and I wait about 15 minute for him to return. He asked me if I had any objections to taking Prozac… would I take it if he prescribed it. I told him I would take it. I did for a year or so.. and did well, but started feeling depressed again. With permission I asked to go off of it. I thought I would do better without it. I did go off of it .. slowly.. and have done well since. Attitude goes a long way. I promised myself I would not go to that dark pit again. With help from my husband I haven't. He tells me when I seem to be depressed.. it usually happens now after a new medication… I ask for an alternative one or just go on without it. They have been all medications for pain.

Our mental attitude is a big part of our health. Just writing in the journal helps. It is important to write down how you are feeling mentally as well is physically. Your physical being as you know can affect you mentally. In same respect how you handle things mentally affect you physically.

Being optimistic is good, but you also have to do the best you can with the physical things that are not going to change. I have accepted that I will always be in pain. It does not mean that I will not try to keep the pain under control… or try obliterating some of it if possible. I am fortunate to have a pain specialist that is trying to help me.. not with just pills, but recommending physical therapy when he believes it is best choice. He is also educating himself on the newer ways to treat pain. He tells me he has a plan to help with my ribs.. but it has to wait until I fully recover from the SI joint fusion. Maybe by this fall. He tells me often that I have a great attitude and that make a difference in how well I do with any treatment he does. I want to do things.. which is great… which is also bad. He says walk and I want to go at my old pace of 3-4 mph. .. not good. I have to slow down so I can heal.

I do not consider myself religious. I am spiritual. I believe in the trinity.. I believe in prayer.

Below is a prayer that Sister Angelica wrote.. I do not remember how I came across it.. maybe my reading through poetry or quotes.. which I love to do or maybe a friend's facebook post. I only glance at facebook to see what is going on with my family.. I have a lot of cousins.

I see words in Sister Angelica's prayer that I have thought myself many times.

“O God, my mind whirls around in confusion and my soul seems destitute of all consolation. It is as if all the world and all my life were telescoped into one moment and I carry the burden of it all. I cannot see any future except tomorrow being another today. All my yesterdays crowd around me, some accusing and some regret filled. It is like a prison with a thousand voices shouting for attention. Divine Jailor, You have the key to release my soul from the prison of discouragement. Unlock the doors and let me roam freely into the regions of Your love. Deliver me from the tyranny of my own will. Surely You take no pleasure in my soul disquieted within me, for then I am wrapped in myself: Do I hear You whisper, “Unlock the door for the key is within. I wait ready to enter and comfort you”?”
- Sister Angelica

I hope somewhere in my ramblings I have answered your question.
ZeeGee