thank you Ginger. I did feel a sense of relief about that. Yesterday I was so depressed all day.......more depressed than I had been before. It was a bit frightening the way I felt connected to nothing and no one. I am married to a very kind man who certainly has his own set of stuff.........we learned 3 years ago that he is a sex addict and he has been getting help for that. I have had to learn to live around the notion that I will have to deal with that and learn how NOT to feel threatened by him. That seems like a huge nut that is not digestible. He does behave differently when we are out. The part I am having difficulty with is that in order to manage the horror of that I have slotted the whole thing into, "I don't care." Not caring hurts my heart on an emotional level and I have stopped trusting even when I can or think I can. The loss of direction is strange. I wonder ......what do I do, where do I go, what do I say, where do I belong? It is all so self-centered which I hate and that self-centeredness has never been my way. I am tired of being stuck inside my own multi storm-damage on the inside. There is nowhere to live within myself because I don't have myself to trust. What has kept me going since the beginning of all the chaos so long ago is that I held HOPE. When my son was ill and before he died in 2007, even though my other son was missing and my husband had cancer, I held hope that as long as there is life there is a chance for things to be better and happier. Now, I only know that there is hope somewhere but I don't have it anymore.