oh my - I have been in a therapy zoom group facilitated by a counselor of some sort that I found through Psychology Today magazine website. I tried for a long time to find a psychiatrist which I did a couple of years back but he has stopped practicing. He did get me up and out of completely being stalled out. I was unable to finish anything I started which was new but I had a lifelong history of daydreaming and getting bored with everything. His specialty was Attention Deficit and he had written a book. He also had groups but he stopped practicing before I was able to be a part of his groups. He started me on Adderall 10mg morning and 10mg in the afternoon which helped a lot. After he left, my Primary MD has been following me on it and she was the one to insist I get another therapist. I could see this therapist facilitator individually if I wanted to. I am afraid of feeling cornered and confronted - clearly I know I am afraid of being hurt by anything I try. My daughter in another state is more civil to me now that her dad is gone but she is not safe at all. She has blasted and blown my head off over nothing even so much as screaming at me to go home and "get out of here" (back to my state) after my sons and her dads double funeral. She just can't tolerate being around me at all. I do know that it is because she spent years protecting her father but she didn't know the entire story of why I left him. I got the nerve to tell it to her through an email.......I did that yesterday because enough is enough and the falseness and her estrangement from me has never ended. The man, her father, was gay and married me when I was 18 and pregnant. I spent all the years with him knowing something wasn't right and so I just kept adjusting, then I would readjust and eventually I maladjusted entirely until I was a practicing RN using narcotics to manage the constant pain of headaches and unbeknownst to me, deep disappointment and regret for having married him. In 1971 to find out I was pregnant changed the whole course of what I might have been doing in life had I gotten a true personal start on any dreams of my own. I literally became the person I thought I had to be. Taking care of a baby came so naturally and I was good at it. I wanted him to be happy and he was never going to be happy with me. It was 5 years after our divorce that I learned he was gay and that everyone but me knew about it. When I learned this information and checked it out, my life made sense. She has carried the shame and blame since our divorce. She had a true alliance with him and even once told a counselor (I thought maybe if she and I went for help we could get through whatever was in the way) that I was abusive. It was absurd and nothing could have been farther from the truth. Needless to say I never tried that route again. That counselor asked her if she had to be his wife after I moved out (note: I moved 2 blocks away so I could be very close but only the youngest child would come over, the middle child Jeff did the staying out of it and say nothing way of life). When I found out about the homosexuality and had absolute proof I told my children. Jeff promptly moved to Colorado and the youngest Tim began running away, the Dad moved to Arkansas and into a monastery without telling "The Church" there that he still had a dependent child. This is a big snippet of my life / the inside story has more and more. My 2nd husband whom I was with for 20 years before his death taught me and literally gave me life. He was heterosexual, laughed all the time (which I had no idea how to do and I never even understood jokes or funny movies), he knew how and felt confident in the world and in his profession. He was the kindest and most generous human being I have ever known. His issues killed him. When he got cancer he told me, "This is my cancer not yours." What a gift! Not to think I was responsible for carrying him so I was able to walk it out with him. It was standing room only at his funeral and as he requested, the theme from The Godfather was played there. He was a regular guy, an attorney for the criminal element, who loved life and didn't care what anyone else thought. He was fair and he was crazy about me. I grew as a woman. It was 5 years after his death that I had the courage to remarry just before turning 60. It has been 33 years nearly to the day that I moved away from Husband #1 and my daughter is now 49 and a huge something is between her and me. I wanted her to know the entire story of what it was like and what happened. I know all about what it means to be living in a lie. I anticipate that she will not respond but instead retreat further. The priest I counseled with after my older sons death said to me, "You will never have to hurt this bad again." He too knew all the family history. I said all this to say ultimately how important to tell the truth in life. Lies create tremendous damage. Sorry for the long dissertation. I have more than one huge story that I was never going to tell until enough people had died -