Your story reads like mine at the moment. We were married for 11 years, together for 14. In all that time, I thought he was just a controlling person and tried to live a life surrounding him and not provoking an argument... It t work too well though. I lost my self as a person, my self esteem and my personality. Now we are separated and I have a restraining order to protect our family from him. His sons have shut me out of the process of getting him help and I feel lost. My therapist is working w me to regain my strength and self worth. I strongly suggest you speak to someone whether it is a therapist, pastor or family Dr who understands mental illness. I am learning that it is the illness that is controlling, angry and unwilling to be treated, not my husband. He is the victim. At present, my belief is that you take care of yourself so that WHEN he asks for help you will be strong. Good luck, I am here for you