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Ready to throw in the towel ... never imagined I'd be this sad
Mental Health | Last Active: Oct 19, 2016 | Replies (80)Comment receiving replies
Good morning friends. Please let me vent a bit. I think some of you know my kids hounded me for 5 years to move down here (from MD to VA) to be closer to them. I didn't want to move. I was only 3 hours away, a trip they or I can easily make, had my own condo in a town I loved and had lived in for 30 years. It was my nest .... doctors, church, good friends, knew my way all around and was very happy. Well, because I'm 72 I thought "well, maybe I should since I'm sure not getting any younger." So 1-1/2 years ago I made the move. The first town in which I had an apartment I hated. So, now I'm living in a limited income apartment in Staunton, VA. The move cost me, what I consider a fortune, and I'm still paying it off - $11,000 for the move, and $3000 for the new carpeting I had put in my condo to sell it. I sold it all right, but since it was under water I had to pay the buyers $6,000. Go figure. Well, here comes Christmas - my most difficult time of the year - and I mentioned to my son that I was looking to find a rescue dog - a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I had mine, sweet Molly, since she was 4 and at 11 she had to be put down because of the typical congestive heart failure. She was my pal, my friend, and just a little love bug. My son tells me "oh no Mom, you don't want to get another dog. They're so much work." Really? Well, considering I have 2 cats and have for years, and have had a dog, live on the first floor, they would be so much work? How so? Molly has only been gone a year, and I miss that little face terribly. They are such companions and since I can't seem to feel at home here, it would help get me out, take her for walks, meet some new people, and get some exercise, instead of sitting here on my fat tush all the time. Since it's a limited income community, lots of people do not speak to you even when you say "hi." My floor is OK - there's 4 apts., but no one that I would be close to. I'm having trouble finding a church - I'm Western Orthodox and the only 2 Ortho churches down here are Eastern .... same beliefs, but very different worship styles. And, on top of that, my X-husband lives about 15-20 miles down the road, so he is "king of the grandkids." (or so he thinks). I am very depressed about all this ... my family is against my having a dog, I do not like it here at all (I can't tell you how many times I've been called "a Yankee"), and I just want to go "home." I know my condo isn't an option (sure wish I had not sold it), but someplace to rent. My two main reasons for not wanting to move down here were 1- I didn't want to leave a place that had been home for all that time and I was very happy, and 2 - I did not want my kids telling me what to do. I told them before I moved that "Since the divorce, I have been very independent, and I intend to keep it that way as long as possible. I know the time will come when I will need more help, but that time is NOT now." Oh my .... first Christmas, now this ..... what a depressing time of year. Thanks for listening.
abby
Replies to "Good morning friends. Please let me vent a bit. I think some of you know my..."
Hi Abby,
Sorry to hear all this. I have trouble with this time of year myself. Honestly, if I was really that unhappy and if I could afford to...I would definitely go back to where I was happy. Life is too short to be miserable. You gave it a shot and it didn’t turn out as planned. I do have to say this...if you want another pet and can take care of one, you shouldn’t ask for permission. Dogs are wonderful companions!
Hi Abby, I do remember your posts about moving. and I am just trying to catch up on line. So you moved. I am 73 and I definitely faced issues that are hard because I am getting older and my husband is not in the greatest health. The only reply I have is to say that it is good to look inside your heart first, to guide you. You actually did this before you made the move, if I am recalling this correctly.
I see a grief counselor and I will pass on her advice to me. I am thinking about moving to Houston for various reasons. But I moved here to Colorado just 14 months ago from North Carolina. She told me that there is no "right" answer to whether I should move. But there is a "right" question. Am I moving from a position of DESPERATION, or am I moving from a position of STRENGTH.
Abby,
A general comment...do what makes you feel good and at peace. Your desires are very important and should be respected.
I've spent most of my life and still struggle with the "pleasing others" syndrome. For me, it is a way that I can assure myself that if I do what others want of
me, I will have their love and acceptance. What I've found out as I've lived my life is that this belief is a bunch of "crap". It seems I always end up giving up a lot and not getting much of anything in return. It's hard to change this belief though as most of the reinforcement I have gotten throughout my life has been related to what I can do for others. I would really like for people to like me for me (whoever that is). I just feel like if I don't have a purpose (and this has always been in the helping field), there's no reason for me to exist. I've been able to deal with this most of my life because I have devoted myself to my work, which involved helping others. However, now, due to physical and mental health issues, I'm unable to work. This has been extremely difficult for me and has taken a huge toll on my mental health ( I deal with major depression and mild anxiety). The only way I've been able to cope is by volunteering. I'm convinced if I did not have the responsibilities I have in my various volunteer roles, I would've gone off the deep end by now.
Sorry, I got off the point somewhat, but maybe my experience will help someone else who's experienced losses in later life (death of loved one, unemployment, inability to be mobile, etc.) can think about volunteering as a way to deal with grief, loneliness, lack of sense of purpose, etc.
To everyone who reads this, I wish you peace and contentment in the new year.
Sharon
@amberpep Abby,
The ability to adjust to new situations is a gift and a blessing. I'm glad that you found a way to do that! Best wishes to you in 2018!
Teresa
Well, here we go again. I'm going to be moving .... holy cow! I feel like a transplanted tree that people keep moving. But, this is my decision. I live in a low income apartment complex .... the apartments are really nice, but the environment is literally scary. There's a crack house, a woman who "sees" men on Saturdays every 45 min. (hmmmm.....), young girls being taken away in police cars in handcuffs, syringes lying on the ground, some people just ready for a fight at a moment's notice, and the kids ..... oh my the kids ..... they are obviously left to themselves. The behavior, language, they try to run one over when I'm walking my dog ..... WE are to move because they won't. Last night it was about 11 PM there was quite a ruckus at the bottom of the steps. I waited awhile and went to check what it was. Here it was a man with 2 little girls, I'd say about 4 years old, telling me that "they were trying to catch fireflies." 11 PM? Really? I've never seen 1 firefly since I've been here. I think he was doped up. I told him I'd like to take my dog down there to go out before we went to bed, and if they were being so loud, she might try to bite them (admittedly, she doesn't bite). It got quiet, I took my dog out and came back up. Then there was a loud knock on my door, I looked out the peep hole and saw nothing. I carefully opened the door and here stands this large, tall woman, arms folded across her chest saying "I understand you told your dog to bite my kids." I tried to tell her what really I said, but she wouldn't hear it and just said to me, "that's disrespectful to my family," obviously wanting a fight - verbal or otherwise. I closed the door, and went back to my room with a book and a cup of tea .... I was totally shaken. I've been very scared here since the get go, but it's getting worse. So, my name is on a waiting list for a senior apartment. I don't want to live like this anymore ..... it was a long night of no sleep.abby
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@amberpep Hi Abby:
The holidays are difficult, especially when changes have occurred that do not seem positive at first glance.
How unfortunate that your son was not more enthusiastic about the idea of your getting another dog. It sounds like you are capable of caring for a pet and it would mean a lot to you.
What are your options now regarding getting a pet?
Teresa