@mariabrat
Ooops, I forgot to change the temp to C. Yes, 70 degrees C would be a bit steamy at 158 degrees!! Looking forward to spring sunshine warming things up here, but not that much!! Yikes! 🙂

I’m just trying to absorb all of what you’ve gone through to this point in your life. You’re only 30, moved to a foreign country where there is a language barrier, and you’re far removed from your family. When’s the last time you were home or saw your family?
I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this is for you, feeling like you’re alone in facing a potential health scare. It would be challenging in the best of times.

I really hope your partner can help reassure you that he’ll still be in the picture no matter what! With him having been gone for a month, it really provides too much idle time to think about those pesky “what ifs” and he hasn’t even had the chance to prove himself worthy. 😉

My daughter is 37 and these talks with you are very similar to how she and I would be sitting side by side, having our heart to hearts. So when you asked what my fears were when first diagnosed she was the first thing that came to mind, along with my husband. We’re very close and I imagined the void it would leave if I didn’t survive. (And the mess I left behind in my sewing room!!...at least my underwear draw was cleaned! LOL)
I was scared to run out of time and how it would impact their lives. My daughter is married and lives 5 hours from us. When I was admitted to the hospital for 5 weeks she came home to be with her dad. She and I had very pragmatic, beneficial and open discussions about the future. It put both of us in a better place mentally. I felt reassured that she’d be ok and I was prepared for any eventuality...though failure was not an option. 🙂

Being ill when you’re older is a bit different than facing something difficult when you’re younger. I lived a long, full, happy, heathy life. But even so, I still felt robbed. At 30, your entire life is ahead of you. And it is so normal to feel invincible at that age! So, no wonder you feel cheated or robbed of this time...this past year of feeling awful with no diagnosis as to what’s going on.
All of your concerns about missing out on “time” and moments is totally valid! I felt and still feel resentful sometimes when I see families around me carrying on like there’s no pandemic while I’ll have to be cautious the rest of my life. It doesn’t seem fair. But sometimes it’s the hand we’re dealt. And at this point, having gone to heck and back, I’m just grateful to be alive and happy! My life is full again, just in different ways. So I let those other emotions roll off my back. Their life is not my life.

I’m so glad you finally found a doctor whom you can trust going forward. The fact that you’re being taken seriously, with testing and follow-up tells me you found the right clinician. So let’s stick with that plan on keeping positive and being upbeat. I think you’ll feel at least some emotional relief tomorrow when you get an actual hug! But as a caution, continue the Covid protocol. you’ve only had one Covid vaccine shot and a lower white blood count. Just sayin’. ☺️

All the best, Lori.