Jim , empathize with what you went through . There is an old saying: I wish you what you wish yourself. My bedroom night table has a vial with 100 sleeping pills in that I took from my husband's meds over a year ago. My phone-social worker/therapist knows and suggests I have someone lock them up type thing, but to me they are a safety blanket of sorts. I have a lot of medical issues and have spent majority of time in my bedroom, in or on bed, tv, ipad, husband retired...brings me coffee/toast etc and we both muddle through getting meals...both have had radiation to pelvic and diarrhea so cannot get takeout greasy spicy foods etc. Two adult children live a few blocks away but don't see them that often, but know they are near if needed. I have said before that I am not scared of dying (well, I mean... if we could all live forever and feel good, would be a different story!) but I am scared of suffering and as time goes on my laundry list of problems gets longer and now the peripheral neuropathy is internal tremors and ear issues and numbness right side of face, although they say its not numb...probably inside nerves; what the bottom line is... I don't want to wake up one day unable to see, unable to walk and so on and my heart goes out to those who live with worse illnesses than I... but I have my limits and with fecal incontinence "who" is going to clean me up , up to ten times a day?
There is no way I will get better and allergic to so many meds and anxiety... I am not dramatic about it, but just want to slip softly and peacefully into the night. Yes I do have occasional hours not so bad and I am uplifted only to come crashing down... yes I feel sorry for myself but I do feel although terribly missed by my small family, and I hope , they would feel some happiness for me that I am not leading this life any more. I am not happy but have not lost my sense of humour ... but this crying a lot during the day is not helping. Husband just had open heart surgery, he doesn't need my bemoaning! To all those, like you, who persevere I congratulate and admire you! 💙