Self-blame isn’t easy to deal with whatever the reason. Anorexia is the thorn in my side. I’ve struggled with the mental aspects of that nightmare my entire life— since I was fifteen years old anyway. Fluctuation with weight is driven for many reasons, my friend.
The worst day of my life was when I tipped the scales at 218.
Depakote does cause severe weight gain and bone break down. I don’t care what the manufacturer claims, or an ignorant doctor who tries to tell the patient that all they need to do is control their eating habits, especially one who has anorexia. Nothing works with that drug except to go off of it! It’s dangerous.
After med adjustments by a more knowledgeable neurologist and one who actually KNEW the harmful affects of Depakote, my weight dropped like a stone to 135. Then came CRPS and medication additions, job losses, lifestyle changes. The weight began to creep ever so up again.
I tipped the scales again at 177 and freaked as any “proper” anorexic would do. But I’ve conquered the knee-jerk reactions that the emotional, depressed, part of me causes to make dumb decisions or see a fat person in the mirror when a thin person exists. I’ll never be cured of anorexia but nobody understands that but me and my husband. When I’m sick, I’m almost thankful not to be able to eat until I remember it’s not the illness that is making me physically ill causing it. This is a psychological battle that sneaks up on me. Be careful of yours.
The pain levels you suffer will be impacted by anything you do and experience, physical, mental, or emotional, whether you know it or not.