@olgamarie Hi Olgamarie. There is no shame in your feelings! Any time we get a diagnosis of cancer it’s perfectly human to have our first thoughts be of our mortality. That dreaded “C” word sparks fear in the bravest of souls. You said you were diagnosed 4 years ago with cancer and COPD. Have you had treatments for your cancer and follow-up appointments? What does your oncologist say about your recovery and remission? Do you feel ill? Four years is a very long time to have negative thoughts if they aren’t warranted.

Having gone through a very serious cancer journey myself, I admit there is a change in my mindset about having ‘affairs in order’ so that my daughter doesn’t have this Herculean job ahead of her taking care of things I have the ability to do now. It’s ok to preplan a funeral, rid the house of items no longer needed, have banking accounts, paperwork and information about bills and such organized. But it does sound as though you’re focusing more about death than is healthy for your daily happiness and positive outlook.

Do you have any hobbies or like to read, walk, exercise? Activities that create a good diversion would be important to refocus your mindset to a more positive place. Have you talked to your children about how you feel? Obviously this is troubling for you. It might be really beneficial to contact your physician and talk about your situation so that you can get some reassurance about your health. They may recommend a counselor to help you move past this so that you can enjoy your life to the fullest. Wishing you all the best! Lori.