Assisted Living and DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)

Thanks for your words, Coleen.
We've always tried to have inclusive conversations about our lives with our sons. So, bringing up end-of-life subjects was taken in stride with each of them. They were pleased that we were clear about our decision-making process and the choices we made. They were very at ease with the conversations and understood our intentions regarding the delegatkon of decisions regarding DNR orders. Additionally, they understood and agreed with what our desires were for when to apply DNR orders or when to prolong life (within reason, of course).

@gingerw
My Mother didn’t have a DNR but her family & doctor were well aware of her wishes, & was in her trust & Health care directive.
Even so, when they asked me to sign a POLST, I believe it was. I knew her wishes but I couldn’t sign it. Eventually my brother convinced me to sign but it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.
After they brought her back two or three times and when she woke up the next morning I explained all that happened and she said “just try and die around this place.” Even knowing her wishes, by me signing that document maybe I thought I would
be the one ending her life that I couldn’t bear that.
My friend said she's going to have a DRN tattoo on her chest but I told her they might think it could
stand for something else.
But it's always good to get your ducks in a row.
Take care,
Jake

I'm sadden to read your story . I think that was a brilliant idea about the tattoo.

@victorkach, I salute you and your wife for making decisions now that will make end-of-life decisions so much easier for your children and others later.

How much easier it would have been for me if we had known about and instituted DNR orders many years ago when my elderly dad was hospitalized for the last time following a massive, totally debilitating stroke which left him helpless and unaware the last 5 yrs of his life.

By the time I arrived, life saving equipment had been installed and my mom instructed me to make the decision about its removal. At the time, as emotionally difficult as the decision was, I knew beyond doubt that my beloved dad would not have wanted to continue as he was. Only later did I wonder why my mom shifted the decision to me, a very young adult with a new baby. Was it because she knew how close my dad and I were or was it because her grief made the decision so difficult? Regardless, it was what my dad would have desired.

Because it was so long ago and our family physician and close neighbor of decades knew the family well, my decision, along with my mom's agreement, was all required to remove the equipment. Today, without a DNR and documented written medical instructions, a mere vocal request might be handled far differently.

Years later, by the time of my mom's and sister's deaths, I was so grateful that we had discussed and had documents in place for their end-of-life desires. I made my "Right to Die" wishes known to my daughter years ago and those are incorporated in my legal documents. I am especially grateful that Colorado is one of only 7 current states that make assisted suicide legal.

A few years ago, I accompanied a close friend to a series of classes held at one of our large hospitals on "How to Plan Now As We Age". We were shocked at the number of elderly couples who had not discussed nor given thought or plan to their final wishes.

Whatever the individual preference or desire may be, I wish all could read, consider and act upon the importance of your last sentence, Victor. Regarding the subject of DNR orders: "It allowed us to think, to counsel, and to discuss this decision point before a decision had to be faced" . Thank you.

@tuneared, I regret that your experience with the hospice group for your mil was so counterproductive. Both my sister and closest friend living in different parts of the state received wonderful, compassionate care from Hospice. Just as not all plumbers are equally skilled, there are professionals and organizations which do not measure up. In my sister's small town, Hospice had to come from 75 miles away; in my friend's city, there were more than one Hospice groups to choose from.

@ess77, I'm just catching up with posts and want to salute you for your work as a retirement home administrator. Your suggestions and tips are so worthwhile for all of us with loved ones in an off-site facility.

Although my dad lost all ability to reason or help himself physically during his five years in a nursing home, he was long remembered there following his death for his outlandish and persistent humor that could bring all to laughter and tears. Pretty sure my mom was also long remembered for her daily visits and small token gifts of gratitude to the staff. Much later, we hired one of his nurses to be the primary home caregiver for my mom. She shared many stories of how my mom "kept everyone on their toes" while also acknowledging the efforts of facility staff.

Did you have another good weather day for your doc appt. and tests? Hope you'll find more "fixable" treatments and that you've had a few splashes in that wonderful heated pool. If your new mattress helps as much as mine did Elizabeth, you may find it harder to get out of bed to post but do it anyway because we'll be wanting to hear from you. Smiles

@gingerw, Yes! to all you shared. I also completed the fivewishes document along with other POLST, DNR and "Right to Die" documents to have included in my last updated medical and trust plans.

It was surprising and disappointing to learn from my estate atty. that TX does not legally recognize the 5 Wishes documents. He agreed to include them as a "reference" only in my file and my daughter also has a copy. Different states have different rules and I haven't looked into how my daughter's new state of CO regards them. However, I am relieved that hers is one of seven states that now legally recognizes the "right to die" statutes.

Until the recent death of my closest friend, she had always been the "local emergency contact" listed for docs and hospitals and my daughter listed second. Like you, I also also wear a medical alert and I.D. bracelet.

Additionally, because I live alone, I recently posted, along with a list of meds and doctor names, the "Vial of Life " document for Emergency Medical Info for Rescue Squad provided by Am. Medical Alarms, Inc on a credenza in entryway. (no longer have the web site link)

As you shared and as difficult as making end-of-life decisions may be for some, I agree that each of us has the responsibility to make our wishes known and documented to spare added grief for our loved ones in the future. Thanks for your post!

@jakedduck1, Like many, I understand and regret the pain you endured in being asked to sign the POLST document.

However, I really like your friend's idea of having a DNR tattoo on her chest. She sounds like my kinda' gal! Does she also like chocolate??? Smiles

Thank you for the above post. It has information I really need to think about. It is not a pleasant topic to deal with but in discussing these end-of-life matters we know that our wishes will be respected and our loved ones will be spared the added burden of decisions that need to be made due our passing.

Well, hello, fiesty 76. It's wonderful reading you message. I've been out of the loop, off-line, out of kilter, elsewhere, fighting alligators as we say and do in sunny Florida.....the last several days. I found my son on the kitchen floor several afternoons ago after finishing appts at Mayo. He was unconscious, couldn't rouse him so called 911, took to Mayo Hospital. He was there in ED for a day, in hospital couple days. Home on Thursday. He had an episode in the car with me getting his meds, so I just drove him to Mayo hospital ED.
I brought him home last night. He's not ok, but with God's help will be soon.

He'll have home health care soon....nurse, PT, OT, and I'm hiring a housekeeper for a couple days weekly at first to help. He's willing to have the medical help now, will be seeing the movement disorder specialist neurologist this week which will begin the help he desperately needs....address the whole person finally! He'll have people in his life for the first time in 19 years!

Dystonia is a horrid illness. It's taken away his life...19 years fully disabled, unable to sit at or type on a computer, everything hurts....serious muscle pain with every muscle contracting all the time!!! Never relaxes...and a ne in nerve firing 24/7 in his shoulder/neck, constant nerve pain and loss of use of his arm w/o screaming pain. He's reached his limit every way, physically and emotionally. He's completely exhausted. But, now he gets some help!!!!

He was an immigration lawyer, good and caring, and hit with this mess as his life was going well, thriving. His life has been taken away.
Now, finally, we have a doc who knows what is happening and hopefully knows what to do. There are now treatments, even to brain surgery, and knowledge which is fairly new about dystonia. He simply needs, has to have now, proper care and treatment.

I'm tired. This has been a long journey down this road of life. I am a mama grizzly bear and I've been fighting fir my cub! I haven't been able to help him like I wanted, just support him and love him and be there. Now, there are people who can help.

To catch up re my health, it's been on hold obviously. I begin this Friday with pelvic dysfunctionality testing....GOODIE! Then digestive and esophogeal tests to get me back to that warm pool and some walks. I did walk in the hospital for my good but also as a relief from the drama and emotions. I

'm working now on focusing on my emotional health, some music, some meditation, some peace. Although, I'm on the way now to Rob's condo, across the street, just to chat. He wants to talk about what the docs said and have lined up. I want to rest! BUT, friends, when do mother's rest? He's 53 year old....a kind, lovely person who is totally alone but for me, his mother. That's pitiful...poor fellow.

My wonderful new bed will be delivered, installed and the old mattress and 2 box springs removed....white glove service as Macy's calls it.....please be the comfy bed I think it is!!!!!!! Also hope I made the right decision to get box springs rather than the metal adjustable frame. May have to rethink that in the next 24 hours!

Going to see my boy. Blessings to all of you and your personal journeys. Btw; one thing we're chatting about today....DNR, decisions, living will, health care power of atty....all things we've discussed but never completed. You and this discussion have pushed me on.
Thank you for that and so much more. elizabeth