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Assisted Living and DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)
Caregivers | Last Active: Mar 24, 2022 | Replies (62)Comment receiving replies
I'd like to take this very valuable discussion in a slightly different direction. When do you review an aging loved one's or you own DNR orders? There's never an optimal time, but when is a good time to talk about the best of endings?
Do Not Resuscitate makes me realize, once again, that words really matter. For many people, the thought of not being resuscitated is unthinkable. Often people equate it with doing everything or doing nothing. But so much more has to be considered. Resuscitation can be a very invasive and rough intervention that may also include broken ribs, intubation and other interventions with additional repercussions. Thus for my father when he had late stage colorectal cancer with only months to live, a DNR was - for him and our family - the right choice.
For my mom, it's not right - yet. She's 81 and in great health. We've talked about the end and her wishes, but we haven't made a clear decision about DNR because there are still so many variables. I do, however, know which consequences she does not want to have to live with as a result of resuscitation. That will hopefully make choices easier if (when?) I may be forced to make them. It's a conversation we revisit every December and I learn a bit more about her every time. You may find this odd, but it has brought us closer together and it's a conversation I look forward to because we talk about the things we cherish about living.
What discussions do you have (or not) with family members?
Replies to "I'd like to take this very valuable discussion in a slightly different direction. When do you..."
@colleenyoung A sensitive subject, at best. End-of-life issues are not a favorite subject for many people. It means a hard look at our own mortality, and those of loved ones.
When I was working in my last career, management asked everyone to fill out emergency information to "have on hand" not in the Human Resources Department. Not only were they upset that my emergency contact was my sister, in another state ["We need someone local." "I am single, and she is the contact I have."], but I included DNR orders, which they said they could not /would not follow if I was to collapse at work.
For my mother, my dad put in place to "keep her comfortable only" as her body shut down after a long journey with Alzheimers and dementia. For my dad, he chose DNR, but that was never called into play, as he passed from the effects of COPD at age 96.
Almost 10 years ago I put together my medical directives and filled out a POLST form [Physician's Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment]. All costs for handling my death were paid for. I also filled out a 5 Wishes document https://fivewishes.org/ My husband and the person he chose as a partner in the medical directive, know I have a DNR in place, a POLST completed, and 5 Wishes done. I know my husband's wishes and have asked him to document it all, so there will be no stressful situations with his family. We have spoken about timelines, and of course have no clue what our respective expiration dates are! For me, it is important that what I desire is followed through, even if I won't be able to change anyone's mind.
I consider it to be my personal responsibility to have things documented for me, as I have seen how families can be torn apart by differing thought processes. My sister knows my thoughts, but other family members rally to another approach to it all. I use a MedicAlert bracelet, and the information there indicates DNR, also.
Ginger
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My wife and I had such conversations and chose place such orders available for our children to make. These have become part of our living trust. We thought it prudent to look ahead and asked "what if" questions which led us to make our decisions regarding DNR.
Additionally, we discussed this with our adult children and continue with an annual review. Not only do we want quality of life but we want to assist in making of hard choices now when we can do so. Once when we are irreversibly unable to chose, we don't want to place such a heavy, very difficult burden on others.
We are very glad someone mentioned the subject of DNR orders. It allowed us to think, to counsel, and to discuss this decision point before a decision had to be faced.