Thank you. Yes I am safe and having a plan is important to me as I spent a long time considering what would be my choice should things get unbearable for me or terminal. Sorry if it offends anyone but I also support M.A.I.D. ... but also thoroughly support 100 per cent anyone who can weather the "storm" and needs help doing so.
..... yes I think chronic pain group as I have that along with the depression and anxiety, and aging of course. I have history many years ago treated by radiation outside and internally for Cancer of Cervix Stage 2 (there is more to this story); and in later years "late stage radiation damage" to pelvis.... so have radiation damagaged bladder cystitis; similar issues to IBS-D; migraines with aura since a child although later in adult life the head pain and nausea went away and I now have aura - for some reason now am slightly confused after aura leaves vision; goiter/tumour on neck which was quite large removed and also had removed right Thyroid; appendix taken out when D&C as dr punctured uterus.. may be some scar tissue I dont know.
2018 was my tipping point.... lots of UTi's and new dr. gave me four prescriptions in 4 months, sulphur antibiotic; then specialist gave 2 more antibiotics in a month and I got C.Diff... I spent most of summer disinfecting my house and isolating myself so neighbours, friends, children didn't get it from me although dr said just wash hands; I lost 20 lbs and became so weak mentally and physically couldn't get out of bed and this preceded spending last months of 2018, most of 2019 and most of 2020 , 90 per cent of my time in my bedroom with ipad, files, and spouse bringing me food although I tried to help.. only going out for medical appointments, gave up driving etc.
Also during 2018 diagnosed with narrow angle glaucoma which meant i could not take ANY mediation that would raise eye pressure (and there are lots) so my health went down the drain and I couldn't even use nose spray as steroid. I took msyelf off Zolfot for six months but kept taking Clonazepam - both of which had been freely given to me by family doctors for almost 20 years!
That all kick started latest unbelievably long depression and anxiety, not occasional periods as had been before in my life. Feb.2019 new psychiatirst took me right off Clonazepam after last 5 pills and I went into withdrawal; he put me back on Zoloft even tho I told him I wasnt allowe to take it re Glaucoma and I would like to tell that story one day. Practically living in bedroom continued - -
2 months ago husband had emergency open heart surgery and I found myself having to leave my room to go downstairs and prepare my food and feed the dog! I have 2 adult daughters but by then Covid and didn't want them here too much... but it brought me back to the land of the living for the 3 weeks he was away...however when he came back still quite ill till I found myself overwhelmed with then helping him and myself at 77 and didnt get any help in cos of Covid; although nurse changes dressing on his unhealed leg wound here daily. I had an Iridotomy to my eyes March 2020 which allows me to take meds that raise eye pressure but I am "allergic" to many antibiotics etc.
I have lost my Mum, only Brother, Nephew in UK in the last few years and other relatives there... will never go back any more. I love Canada but my roots still have British soil on them. 2018 my closest three friends (although one was a computer friend in Spain) a childhood friend in UK and a lovely neighobour, all died within 2 months. My nephew was brain damaged and insisted on playing Farmville with me every morning on computer ..... I still miss it.

I typed this before and deleted it as way too long and here I go, its long again. I am not looking for sympathy ... with so many other brave people on here and in the world who are also suffering from many of life's suffering, including Covid deaths and illness, losing family and I remember once a therapist saying there are so many things that can "go wrong" with the human body its amazing any of us are still walking around! Some say the glass is half full; some say the glass is half empty; I say my glass was full, I drank some of the water, I shared some of the water, and spilled some of the water, and now I feel it is empty. Everyone has their own glass and everyone sees it differently, I suppose. THANK YOU I will try the other groups and hope I don't drag my boring history along with me, but this is basically my story and like most stories, vary chapter by chapter, then end... whether or not the ending is happy or sad is up to the author, or even the reader? (I truly hope I not only find some help but am able to give some)

...just another (short) hi.... and wanted to say that apart from my lengthy "history" of quite a few things, my current problems, if I had to concentrate on those and not memories of all the others: depression/anxiety; bowel issues increasing pressure and pain; I forgot tinnitus pressure and pain; and the eye issues. It's odd that I feel I have to list everything... instead of the main ones. it's a wonder I didnt include when I hurt myself falling off my tricycle when I was five.... !! I think I have a need to explain or prove "why" I feel like I do and what led up to it...am sure there's a psychological reason for that! anyway, thank you again for being so nice and I feel like reading every single post from every single person, as everyone has their "cross" to bear. I worked with a lady from Italian background years ago and she said they had a saying, translated that if everyone went to the village square and laid down their "cross" each had to carry/live with... and they could pick up anyone else's cross ...... they would ALL pick up their own cross as they left. Not sure if I have this exactly right but I remember her telling me this many years ago. J.S.