...thank you Erika....appreciate your concern but it's under control... daughters and spouse are not happy with my decisions but I just want them to know what they are. Not trying to be nonchalant about it, but I am more afraid of suffering than I am about dying. I have in the past "bounced back" well almost bounced..but since the fear when I went thru glaucoma diagnosis and warnings of losing sight if I took meds that raised eye pressure, and then the six months of c.diff - I feel the infection and/or meds were the icing on the cake for me and as have said here (sorry I get rooms here mixed up) suddenly couldn't get out of bed, so weak and spent 90 per cent of 2019 and 2020 in my bedroom. I do not have anything more serious than depression and anxiety and list of illnesses .. it was something I had never ever done.. also have few friends and they died 2018...unbelievable.... so my spouse brought me toast and coffee in bed for almost 2 years whereas I had never had that in previous 38 years...I would shower, do laundry and back to bedroom, not in bed but "on" bed and didnt go out hardly at all: it was only when last November he was whisked off by helicopter to hospital for heart surgery I had to start getting up and looking after house again: its been a horror story and now back on my feet a bit my illnesses are now more painful and Ihave developed a fear of new meds due to many past reactions.
I feel am either better than I think I am, or a lot worse than I think I am!!! My husband says: take it day by day I reply can I take it hour by hour? So many worse off than me so will close.... thing is, I want to be able to make a choice for myself before I am unable to do so and have others decide my future: having bowel issues plus fecal incontinence no one will be look after me should I find myself unable to look after myself..who will clean up this mess sometimes five times a day etc and laundry and showers etc. ....if I sound ungrateful, I don't mean to be... the person I knew as "me" got lost somewhere along the line. Yes I can joke around sometimes and say something funny, but its usually written and not that often....but I am good at throwing pity parties for myself as you can see.
You are very kind and this web site is truly amazing in its care about others....thank you, again. J.