...thank you Erika....appreciate your concern but it's under control... daughters and spouse are not happy with my decisions but I just want them to know what they are. Not trying to be nonchalant about it, but I am more afraid of suffering than I am about dying. I have in the past "bounced back" well almost bounced..but since the fear when I went thru glaucoma diagnosis and warnings of losing sight if I took meds that raised eye pressure, and then the six months of c.diff - I feel the infection and/or meds were the icing on the cake for me and as have said here (sorry I get rooms here mixed up) suddenly couldn't get out of bed, so weak and spent 90 per cent of 2019 and 2020 in my bedroom. I do not have anything more serious than depression and anxiety and list of illnesses .. it was something I had never ever done.. also have few friends and they died 2018...unbelievable.... so my spouse brought me toast and coffee in bed for almost 2 years whereas I had never had that in previous 38 years...I would shower, do laundry and back to bedroom, not in bed but "on" bed and didnt go out hardly at all: it was only when last November he was whisked off by helicopter to hospital for heart surgery I had to start getting up and looking after house again: its been a horror story and now back on my feet a bit my illnesses are now more painful and Ihave developed a fear of new meds due to many past reactions.
I feel am either better than I think I am, or a lot worse than I think I am!!! My husband says: take it day by day I reply can I take it hour by hour? So many worse off than me so will close.... thing is, I want to be able to make a choice for myself before I am unable to do so and have others decide my future: having bowel issues plus fecal incontinence no one will be look after me should I find myself unable to look after myself..who will clean up this mess sometimes five times a day etc and laundry and showers etc. ....if I sound ungrateful, I don't mean to be... the person I knew as "me" got lost somewhere along the line. Yes I can joke around sometimes and say something funny, but its usually written and not that often....but I am good at throwing pity parties for myself as you can see.
You are very kind and this web site is truly amazing in its care about others....thank you, again. J.

@erikas Our minds are a powerful thing, and can lead us down so many different paths.

For me, it takes concentrated effort to focus on what is going well, when battling the inner demon of depression. Some of that depression is the result of lessening physical abilities and health issues. I am a rebel from way back, and cannot simply accept things as they present themselves to me. So I fight, and it seems like a never-ending circle/cycle.

You asked what sort of things have helped in moments like these. @lacy2 It seems like the world is closing in. But there is always something, that I want to see to fruition. A project already started, like a yard thing or a crafty one. I dig out a book that I have read in the past, and read again, looking for something new in it. For me, that book is "Temple of My Familiar" by Alice Waters, the same lady who wrote "The Color Purple", and it has been read four or five times in the last 20+ years. I desperately want to start a garden of flowers here, where the soil is bad. But I want to see the whole cycle, all season, even though I have no green thumb. I want to see the fawns as spring comes around, and the mama deer bring their young ones by to introduce them. I don't aim for long-term, just something to grasp onto now. Each day is a new beginning, and I want to see what is around the corner.
Ginger