@erika... thank you so much for your post. I have seen quite a few drs. over the years and problem is I have reactions to meds; also Sept.2019 my dr. dismissed me from his practice - as he did others, then he left town after two years. We have about 400 waiting for family doctor. I go to a walk-in clinic speak with nurse then doctor comes on computer screen: they have been very good.. but I have some issues (bowels, ears - quite panful) and need hands on... have been waiting 9 months to see one ent and other one was a 2 year wait; and to see a gastro would be a wait but they tend to automatically want you to have a colonoscopy and at 77 and ill I dont feel up to it: so its "my fault" in that respect. ...neuropathy, permanent radiation damage to bladder, narrow angle Glaucoma, etc. etc. is overshadowed by long term anxiety and depression: as I think have said before I dont know how I got through working full time (with occcasional time off) and raised two adult children.
Now spouse home - had triple bypass surgery and hemothorax... so we are struggling. Thing is at a time in our life we could even order in food every night (financially) we both have bowel issues and cannot eat food that is good for us... even bland diet: almost daily diarrhea and I have had cdiff. from being given too many antibiotics; then over 120 vancomycin on top.Hour before bed last night I went bm. about 10 times.... mine is no longer formed and is paste and is messy and so painful...and pressure inside.. a tiny bit of blood but its from constant b.m.
Sorry: I didnt mean to write all this (as have before) but I just feel going to another unknown dr. and have invasive tests wont help. For a few months I have had a social worker phoning me and now once a week on zoom and she is trying cognitive therapy and I appreciate it but have tried it over the years and we have both come to the conclusion that when I have a few hours in a day when I am not hurting, my mood improves, and then one of my illnesses kicks into high gear and its amazing how low my mood gets so quickly.
I realize I am not alone in this battle , especially reading some posts on here, and I appreciate what has been done to try and help me, but I just get tired of it all. maybe a weakness but thats how I feel and I admire those who carry on and are positive.....I could take the Remeron prescribed but feel I would be a zombie so am just taking Clonazepam at bedtime, Synthorid. Imodium. Latanaporost eye drops. (I have read that some glaucoma drops can make depression worse, but apparently this isn't one of them but it does seem worse since I have been using since beg. 2018).
Hope I dont sound ungrateful for the life I have had but theres a lot more that has happened to me including undiagnosed cancer of cervix... for months told it was hygiene problem, then a dr. said "I cant see anything, and bad reaction to a med should never have been given, flown back home: and its like I still carry around all previous pain and suffering on top of present issues....but delaying treatment for six months in Toronto, was unknown to me my Dad in UK died from cancer..at the same time I was being treated!!! and it goes on and on....
my amazing daughters now say "we dont know what to say Mum" and my lovely spouse of 40 years says "I dont know what to do and cant deal with it right now " - as he is dealing with recovery and huge wound on leg from where they took veins... has dressing changed at home daily: so you see, I am having my own Pity Party ..the guest of honour is me but no invitations accepted!!!!.... as you can tell by my need to explain why....... yet some people conquer much higher mountains than my hill ! I feel between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Thanks again, J. and sorry to ramble on..............

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