First of all let me offer you condolences in the loss of your friend, I have a very special minister friend that once told me "words on a page somehow and sometimes get loss in their meaning" and I find that sometimes true. It is hard to express one's true feelings and how they will be received by the person on the other end. However that said your writing was from the heart and so expressive and know that just by your writing you have already and will touch so many other people. Some people have the gift of expressive writing and you are one of those people.

I lost my sister, pre COVID, and we used to call each other and could talk for hours on the phone, when one day I called and my brother-in-law told me that she was not doing well that she was sleeping allot. That was last Spring and ever since that day we were not able to have a "real conversation", than after many doctors appointment, and because of HIPAA I was not able to truly find out what her real problem was, I had to sit back and just take in what others were telling me, and being a nurse that was so hard for me to experience. I felt that there was nothing that I could do. Fortunately I was able to see her before she died and she knew that I was there but as for a "real" conversation that was gone. I feel so blessed that this happened last year and not now as COVID has changed so many things for so many people.

What I hear you saying and forgive me if I am wrong is that I hear you struggling with how are you expected to grieve and mourn, this is all so out of our normal, and yes, for so many of us this is, whether it be the death of a loved one, or all of the changes that we are going through. We cannot conduct our lives like we used to, at least for some of us that want to and need to remain safe. I keep going back to Kubler Ross and the stages of grief, allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling now and in the future. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve, let herself go through all of the stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Please allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling and don't feel like you have to be anything different. I hear you when you say "she always had your back", she was always someone that you could go to, someone to laugh with and talk over any important or trivial moment, that for you is gone. I feel your pain. I can remember our parents who used to lose their family and friends one by one, I used to think "how sad", BUT until one experiences it for one's self it doesn't make if "real" until you, yourself have those shoes on your feet.

There is a saying in life, "we come into this life alone and we go out of this life alone", and that is true, but somehow it rings hollow, we are not meant to live alone, we are meant to be in community, to share, to love. and to hold/hug. For right now you are feeling alone and I wish I could be there for you, just to have another human being by your side, we do not know each other, but just to have another human being to be there for you, just a physical presence, someone to listen to you, not having to say anything but just to be there. But I am going to share something with you, I have lost loved ones in my life and what you are feeling right now is "real", it is raw, it hurts, and seems like it will never change or get better. But I have also found that with time, that softens, does it ever go totally away, no, but it softens and those things that you are feel right now are real, and right now what you are experiencing is "fresh", it like a wound that does not have a scab on it, it is not healed. I have heard others say about COVID, that there is no normal right now, that what we used to think of as normal will be no more, that there may be a "new normal". I just hope and pray that the new normal does not mean that we forget the past, forget how to be there for each other, that along with some good changes that we do not forget how to love each other and be there for each other. Your reaching out and your expressiveness tells me that you care, that you want to go on but for now that seems all seems to be foreign to you.

What I want to leave you with, is that I hope and pray that you have a spiritual foundation, for me that has been my rock, my "go to", and something that can never be taken away from me. No matter what happens to me in my life, I will never be truly alone, I will have God to turn to, He is the one that is always there, and will always listen. No, I can't pick up the phone and actually talk to Him, but what I can do and can feel is HIs presence in my life, He is my true friend, my true comforter, and my source of peace. So fiesty 76, I send you my "words on this page", and want to tell you that God will always have your back. May you find peace, comfort, and hope for your tomorrow.