Incredibly lonely, shutting down: Suffering with Anhedonia

Im so sorry you are going to through the same. Ive been on and off pills for 22 years. Ive been on most of them and consider myself resistant, though I stay on them to function. They do help but tend to wear out quickly. Im glad to hear youve been in therapy, but you have to find a good fit. The cost is outrageous, I commend you for trying what you have. None of it is easy. Have you tried Emdr or Dbt therapy? You are not alone. Stay kind to yourself.

Today was a better day, though im wore out from insomnia and stress. Im worried about my upcoming rheumatologist appointment, over a week away. Im so drained, not in good shape physically or mentally. Part of me wants to reschedule, but i may not get another appointment this year. Im scared it wont go as well and the trip will wear me out further.

I have ptsd too, mine is more c-ptsd. Oh yes, finding a good therapist...ive been through my fair share. Im so sorry yours skipped out on you like that. I had a similar thing happen to me, we were scheduling for next appointments and said she wouldnt be here the week after next....she was moving. I had been seeing her 10 months, she or no one in that office said scruff to me. I have been working with my psychiatrist...have made changes, which i hate, but with this issue, im wondering if the meds hurt more than help. At least with my situation. I have a motility disorder so i have to be careful.

Thank you so much Gail. I will reply soon, sorry, brain is mush now.

One of my major issues is severe slow transit constipation ive been dealing with for 16 years. Last year i developed Ibs. Ironic, right? Ive pursued every avenue to help this, but nothing is working well. A colectomy has been nearing as the next choice as i run out of options. Im scared to death, and dont really have good medical advice. I dont want to do something i regret, but i want my life back where i can function.

@januaryjane It's late for me to be writing, but I just wanted to stay connected with you.

I've been told I'm treatment resistant, too. It took me a couple of years to find an antidepressant that worked for me. It's a real ordeal to make your way through the list, trying each one for 6 weeks, only to learn that a) it did nothing, b) it has unacceptable side effects, or c) Eureka! This is the one for me!

Some people are fortunate enough to keep using the same medication for many years. I started taking Wellbutrin in 2006, and the dosage remains the same today. But a few years ago I was heading back to the hole of depression, and talked about it with my psychiatrist. He recommended that I try a second medication that enhances the Wellbutrin. I tried Abilify with no response, then I tried Mirtazapine, and it's been a good combination for me.

And then, along came peripheral neuropathy. I don't know how many medications I've tried, but there's not much left to try. Lyrica helped relieve the pain in my feet, but I had a serious reaction to it, and spent a few nights in the hospital. Bummer that I couldn't take it. Last September the pain specialist prescribed imipramine, and it gave me noticeable improvement - for maybe 6 months - then it became less and less effective. I'm trying to see the neurospecialist, but because of covid 19, it's been rescheduled 3 times. I'm hopeful that I will see her on the 26th of this month. This search for a treatment for peripheral neuropathy has been going on for 7 years.

I have to shut down and get to sleep. Think about how helpful the rheumatologist might be to you. You're wise to keep in mind that if you miss the appointment, it could be a while before you can reschedule.

Rest well.

Jim

@januaryjane I also have cptsd. I've been treated in various ways and have experienced things as an EMT that were traumatic. I don't think that the trauma or abuse is as terrible as wartime PTSD, but bad enough to cause mental health problems.

Motility must be a somewhat common, in various ways. I have esophageal dysmotility, which makes eating a slow process, waiting for each bite time for the valves at the top and bottom of the esophagus to open and let the food mosey on down into my stomach. I haven't heard of any solution. As I've said, I have neuropathy, which is causing problems with swallowing, as well as double vision, worsening tinnitus, bowel and urinary issues (I take Oxybutinin to reduce the number of bathroom trips), beginning of balance risk, and the problems with small fiber neuropathy besides, numbness and tingling and burning pain from my toes to mid-calf.

It's been interesting to see how medical conditions affect mental health conditions. It seems that pain and illnesses below the brain have a noticeable impact on the depression and other brain issues. It's like a cyclical process. Motility can make a person more depressed, depression exacerbates motility, then the motility (or any other illness) exacerbates depression, etc. So round and round it goes. The same thing happens with anxiety and PTSD and suicidal ideation and bipolar disorders. The label is comorbidity, the challenge that we face in trying to treat several things at once.

It's a reality that multiple diagnoses create challenges for everyone involved. I know from too much experience how that works. It can be debilitating. It can make it a problem with making decisions, and so many other interactions. One thing that therapists can do is help us navigate all of that. It means a lot have someone who can help us keep our perspective and learn to make rational decisions.

Finding a good therapist can take some time. For me, the pool of options is extremely limited, specifically they have to accept Medicare. Most of mine have been working for the hospital, and their job here is usually just a stepping stone to better (greener) pastures. After my best ever therapist had to leave for family trouble in Maine, I saw his replacement a few times, just long enough to know that I couldn't continue wasting my time there. And a few months later I found online a counselor who met clients one day a week in the next town over, just 30 minutes away, and accepted Medicare. And since I have a supplemental insurance, there's no cost to me except for the travel expense. My only concern is that he'll decide to retire. He's old enough to do just that. But in the meantime I'll enjoy my time with him.

I encourage you to find a quiet time to think clearly about how you will move forward with your life. Perhaps you will find a healthy perspective during those quiet times of meditation.

Blessings to you.

Jim

Sorry i havent gotten back. Psychologically, Im unraveling. I just found out i will be alone for 4 days. It sounds stupid, but ive had all these flooding emotions...fear, loneliness, abandonment, having no one. I dont want to feel this way, but ive been crying all day. I cant sleep.

@januaryjane I can relate to the"unraveling". We're all different, aren't we. For me, being alone for 4 days would be just what the doctor ordered. I've gone to a Hermitage a number of times for a personal retreat. No phone, no TV. Just a one room cabin in the woods. The only other person there was a hermit/monk/priest who had become a friend. I joined him in the tiny chapel for vespers sometimes, and followed along as he read the service in Latin, and all sung in Gregorian Chant.

Loneliness, feeling abandoned, fear are feelings many of us experience. They can be really intense feelings, I know. And when we're in the middle of it, it's so hard to see any ray of hope. These and a bunch of other things have filled my therapy sessions over the past 14 years. I'm indebted to those people who listened to me and helped me, ever so slowly it seemed, find a way out of the awful pain and darkness.

Some of my therapists have told me that it would be ok to call them between appointments if I felt like I couldn't go on. I only did that a couple of times, and the one I called was my PCP. He was my first counselor, when I lived in a remote tiny town, and there were no therapists. I went and sat in his waiting room until he was done with his appointments. He was a very quiet man, which some people didn't like, but I got to know him as a quiet, but caring man. I've been blessed to have such people in my life during the past 16 years of major depression.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch this week. I will pray for you before I go to sleep tonight.

Jim

I am so sorry that you're going through this rough patch, but feel the same alone, depressed, at times anger and yes crying, not thinking clearly and this pandemic magnifies these feelings for me. I called my therapist because I was concerned for me. Our chat helped put things in perspective. Know you're not alone. Sending hugs.