Two things in this discussion are familiar for me.

1. My "bag," which for me was much larger than a grocery bag, and was more like Santa's bag.
2. Maintaining my self-esteem in light of what feels like rejection or judgement of another person/people I know.

1. Starting with my bag of messages from childhood; most of the messages I received from my childhood were negative. I talked too much, asked too many questions, was hit, slapped and pushed by my mom, told I was clumsy and uncoordinated, not good at sports, was repulsive and was lazy because I wasn't working up to my potential. Those are a few of the messages I had in my bag. There were a few positive things that I heard from teachers; I was very smart, creative, talented actor, a poet, pretty, funny, sweet--which was eventually seen by me as a negative.

Beginning around 26 years of age, I learned from a therapist about my "bag" that was weighing me down. Through therapy/counseling over the next few years I began removing old messages from my bag, examining how each had affected my life, and determining if there was any value in keeping it. As I searched, I threw most of my old negative stuff from my bag and began creating a positive self image based on the positive feedback from teachers and new feedback from friends. This experience helped me to let go of my low self-esteem and accept that I am in fact smart, creative, a good writer, pretty, funny, sweet, powerful, assertive, opinionated, an excellent speaker, etc.

It was very important for me (and probably each of us) to examine my "bag" and the messages I was given as a child, and throw out the negative things. I think we are responsible for building our own self-esteem as we become adults. It's not easy, and it requires courage to go into that scary bag, so it's best done with a counselor to help you through the process. I no longer find scary any emotions or feelings I have.

2. When I have the experience of apparently being rejected or judged, I have found that talking with the person to be helpful. When given the choice of "fight or flight," I will nearly always choose "fight". Not literally, but in the sense of trying to understand what's going on. So, I would say to my neighbor something like this: "I noticed that you didn't respond to me when I said Good morning just now. Is everything OK? Are you feeling well? Is there anything we need to talk about now or later?"

I attempt to make contact and talk, or set up a better time to have a conversation. This lets the other person know that I'm there for them, and I'm willing to hear if they have a problem with something I've done or said. Usually it has nothing to do with me, since I'm not the center of the universe for them. Doing this helps remind me that others have problems that don't include me. My self-esteem stays intact and they know they can talk to me.

I sometimes don't take things personally that I really need to.

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