How do you accept change as you age?

Posted by Scott, Volunteer Mentor @IndianaScott, Apr 8, 2020

Aging and accepting our changes is never easy!

One of my favorite sayings is ‘it’s a good thing our children grow older, but parents don’t!’ Often I wish this was true and while it’s a positive message, not our reality.

Like it or not, time and life take their toll on us and we change. However accepting these changes can be a challenge in our lives and the lives of our loved ones. Both physically and emotionally I might add.

I remember well after caring for my wife for the first seven years of her war with brain cancer my dad passed away and I was able to get to his memorial service. I was very excited to see our two grandsons and decided being ‘as young as you feel’, and wanting to make up for lost time entered into a rousing game of Freeze Tag in the hotel’s front yard. All went well until I made too fast a deke and found myself flying across far more sod than I should have been! Result? Four broken ribs, a painfully long recovery, and a reminder I’m not as agile as I once was!

I also realize that the realistic view of our age is not relegated to ourselves alone. I’ve spoken with our adult children about this and they have said they don’t really see me as aging, but just as ‘Dad’, who they want to do all the same things with they have done in the past. On the other hand, our grandsons see me as ‘grandpa’ and are comfortable ‘just having me around’ especially if there happens to be a Dairy Queen nearby!

So it is I‘ve begun to think more about the importance of accepting the changes and limitations imposed on us as we advance in age. While I’m not cashing in any chips I don’t need to, I have found I do avoid a few challenges I used to gladly accept. For instance last summer I went whitewater rafting on some Class V rapids. After almost drowning, I have forgone any return trips to rivers with this class of rapids. I swim well, just not as far and as long as I used to be able to while fully clothed and in heavy gear.

While I miss those rapids and full contact Freeze Tag, I know why my grandmother often told me ‘discretion is the better part of valor’.

As you age, are you practicing discretion, even when you wish you didn’t have to? Is it hard like it is for me?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Aging Well Support Group.

lolaemma | @lolaemma | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @marjou "@jeanie26 So what would you say to those of us who do not have children/grandchildren and..." + (show)

I have 4 children 5 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. I was the only adult for the first two generations. Now I'm happy to hear about their progression through life but I need peace and quiet no more drama. I'm content to be alone with my dog. She'll never ask me for money borrow jewelry and not return it and is overjoyed to be around me not to forget to mention that she doesn't like to get her vaccinations and oral meds don't go down without being encased in peanut butter. I panicked briefly when my oldest daughter told me she and her spouse were going to surprise me with an unannounced visit. But they won't travel because of the pandemic. Whew! I am doing what I want when I
want just as I planned. If you are not happy with yourself do something about it. Join Write Cook Read Discover live the way you want to. Or enjoy being miserable it's up to you. Open or close your eyes it's your choice. If you are depressed see a professional.
Take care of yourself.

jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @fiesty76 "@jeanie26, I'm just rereading your post and sending you condolences on the tragic loss of your..." + (show)

Awww yes, the bliss of not being bored or lonely. People I have found, find it hard to believe that there are those of us who really don't get bored or lonely. Sure once in a great while I wish there were someone here but that wish is short lived. As for any extra pounds I have to spare, oh my yes I have about 25 extra pounds I wish I could send you. Better yet, come getum..

cldmeyers | @cldmeyers | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @jeanie26 "Ya know I can agree with you on most of what you said, but aging is..." + (show)

@jeanie26

Ya know I can agree with you on most of what you said, but aging is a bloody, scary bore? Hummm, tell me more about that. I will agree aging can be a little scary at times, or is it really? I think for most of us the process of aging carries with it wisdom, knowledge that only we can pass on, to those who care to listen. I agree that the younger generations have become extreme in their disrespect and lack of understanding of the values of the aging adult. but like it or not that's the world we live in. It is no longer the world we once knew. When I was growing up, the thought of ever talking to an adult like the kids do now , was just not heard of. A lot of what's going on in this world today, I don't agree with and I certainly don't understand, but I can't change the world so I avoid what I can and learn to live with others. It's terrible the way our youth are today but it terrible how their parents are too. But aging doesn't have to be a time of remorse or difficulty. These are OUR golden years and I for one intent to spend it with grace and doing things that make me happy. I love my great grandchildren with all my heart but I am not going to allow them to be disrespectful to me and not do something about it. I generally take them home when they get too out of line. My older grandchildren know that to disrespect me is a no no and that if they feel they can't help themselves, they need to leave. I intend to be happy and do whatever it is that makes me happy. When I was a young mother and wife I did for my children and my husband, when I was a grandmother I help my daughters with their children, as a great grandmother I helped with their children but now that the great grandchildren are older now and so independent and so free to say what they want, when they want, It's my turn. MY turn to be happy do the things I want to do and if that means I can't babysit when they seem to need one, oh well, Maybe it's important to me to visit a friend thats needs me, maybe I just want to sit home and watch tv. or maybe I want to go for a weekend away just for the heck of it. I wish you felt better about the aging process, I wish you were a little more positive about the fact that we have earned the right to do as we please and we don't always need to cater to our children and grandchildren. We have earned the right to be independent, well adjusted, happy older adults that have an abundance of knowledge for the whole world. Share it with all who care to listen. Welcome to the group.

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@jeanie -- I'm still taking one day at a time and revel in the small surprises that come with each day. We're living in a retirement home where no covid cases have occurred so far. We are distanced from each other, even in the dining room, and have to wear masks. On the other hand, we can visit friends and family and run errands and see doctors. We have to take our temps twice a day and after being out of the residence. It's not a bad life. I'm fortunate enough to still be with my husband.

jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @marjou "@sapphira Love your spunk and frankness!" + (show)

Oh my dear, even the forever optimist has their days. While the Covid hasn't affected me near as much as it has you, I can clearly understand your points of view. You are a woman of the world and you've had your world taken away. I get it. I do however feel the results of a world going mad. One reason I stay alone so much is because I simply don't like the world I see out there. I haven't like it for a long time. People, places and things have changed and not necessarily for the better. The family values are gone, people are way too free with their voices anymore and care less and less how it affects others. Children are no longer seen and not heard but are more times than not, heard before you see them. The disrespect I see for human life is incredible and so very sad. To my eyes, there is so much wrong and hurtful in our world today that I personally just find it easier to avoid it by staying home and enjoying myself doing whatever it is at that moment in time. It took me years to figure out that I didn't have to be a part of that world I had come to dislike so much, I no longer felt the need to stress about things I couldn't change. I still voice my opinion but I do it online instead of in the streets. I don't associate with hurtful people that show no regard for others feeling or points of view. One of my favorite sayings is " Don't sweat the small stuff ".. If you take the time to really think about it, we as human beings tend to fret, worry and stress over things that are simply not important enough to get ourselves all worked up about. I once heard a man speaking for the importance of things, He said losing your wallet is a very big deal, stressful and very upsetting, but it doesn't have to be. There is generally nothing is your wallet that can't be replaced. Credit cards can be replaced, simply call and report them stolen or lost and that's it. Money, ok let's face it, money is is terrible to lose but it can be replaced. pictures can be replaced etc. so why make such a big deal out of it. why allow it to ruin your day, week or month or longer? Why allow it to stress you out to the point you can't think? It's not causing you to lose blood, it's not going to end your life, it's no going to cause your family any long acting negative effects. Well, that's what we all tend to do sometimes, we make mountains out of mole hills, we worry needlessly over the smallest of things. If we could only find that certain thing to take the place of the first thing, then we'd be happy, If only this hadn't happened then I'd be happy, We can blame our unhappiness on all kinds of things, or we can embrace the here and now and thank God for the little things that make us who we are to begin with. The ability to enjoy that great cup of coffee, to look out and see the sunrise or set, the ability to sleep in our own beds at night and to wake up in the morning knowing who we are and having the ability to do it all again tomorrow. Call your friends, visit your online museums, art galleries and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. You'll be able to go out again when it's safe, this is not a forever thing, It's a temporary cure to a short term condition. Hope you feel better.

jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @cldmeyers "@jeanie -- I'm still taking one day at a time and revel in the small surprises..." + (show)

Hey, you're sounding pretty positive, Glad you and your husband are still able to be together, that in itself is a blessing. I am glad you are reveling in the small surprises that come with each day, so you put it, what a wonderful way to feel. I think you got it going on. stay happy and stay safe.

jeanie26 | @jeanie26 | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @lolaemma "I have 4 children 5 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. I was the only adult for..." + (show)

Wow, you really are doing it your way aren't you. good for you. I love spending time with my dog too and heck I don't think she's ask to borrow any money since the senior prom for K9s.I have a cat too and she's just too into herself to ask for anything. She's such a cat sometimes. Isn't it good to just relax and do whatever, whenever? I love it. anything else is for old folks. thanks

lolaemma | @lolaemma | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @jeanie26 "Awww thank you. I lost my daughter 5 years ago but the first 4 years was..." + (show)

How terrible for you. Yes you need to grieve however you choose to do. Dragging you through that agony was soul ripping. Do what ever you want without reflecting on how it appears. You deserve solice.

barbb | @barbb | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @sapphira "Jeannie: So, I'm having a grumpy day and posted a small tirade on agism , etc...." + (show)

Well, what do you know! Nice to meet another New Yorker here. I am pleased to hear about the Frick programs you mention and will certainly try them out. Thanks for your contribution to my "mental health"! 🙂

barbb | @barbb | Jul 29, 2020

In reply to @sapphira "Jeannie: So, I'm having a grumpy day and posted a small tirade on agism , etc...." + (show)

I just wrote something intended to be a reply to what you've said, but I fear it got filed in the wrong place. Aaargh... I started out like this:
Well, what do you know Sapphira! How nice to meet another New Yorker here! Thanks for your contribution to my "mental health" by mentioning the Frick's Wednesday and Friday evening programs! I will certainly see about trying them out. Have you not tried dining outdoors yet - speaking of fun activities? I have a favorite place - happens to be way downtown, on the Hudson River, where you can dine and watch the boats sail or chug by. You seem like the kind of person who could be able to scare up alternative fun things!

sapphira | @sapphira | Jul 30, 2020

Hi Barbb - Nice to know there is another New Yorker on the scene. I live by the East River so I often walk down there as we have a promenade , to view the water and any small boats that drift by. Right now my only "dining" outside is finding a diner with a good grilled cheese sandwich. I have a couple of them I frequent when in the mood for putting up with the heat. Do try the Frick programs if you are into art and travel - they can be quite wonderful and provide some hope that civilization will survive this awful time we're living in.