Hi I’m not one of the mentors but I myself have been through three different cancers. The best thing my husband did for me was to be himself, be there for me and go to all my surgeries, appointments, scans with me because there is such a thing as scan-anxiety (you go anxious prior to and while waiting for the results) , scared they will find more especially when you’ve had more than one cancer. Don’t push him to talk about things, let him at his pace. I had a very hard time talking to my husband and closest people to me at first, I also lost my mother, father, brother, uncle and aunt to the monster and have a cousin who has been fighting it since childhood. We’re a big pretty close family my cousin and I are really close and do talk about all this stuff, more than we talk to our spouses about. I do talk to my husband but it a thing like some things in the military if you’re not there and it’s not happening to you, one doesn’t truly know. And it’s not to take away the care or love one gives their parters (my husband is the best in the world and I can tell you are too) it’s just talking to that person who has been there helps reassure you that you can win the battle and beat the monster, because they are proof. My husband also got online researched everything, so when we went to the drs if I missed something he had my back, he looked up all my meds...because I’m allergic to a few things, he is very active in my health issues. I hope this helps you, have a very Merry Christmas

@monroeed- Good morning and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing well despite his discouraging news.I know just what you mean, not knowing what to say. Even after 22 years with lung cancer I still get a bit nervous when someone tells me that they have cancer (s). The most important thing is to be honest. One of the things that angered me a lot was when people would tell me that I was tough and this would be nothing for me; God will see you through this; my friend's cousin had the same thing and she didn't make it; there's a special cancer diet, There are good foods for you and those are the best. There really isn't any special diet.
Science based facts are necessary for me so that my hopes don't get high and then those facts turn out to be false.
He might be very confused, not knowing how is he going to get through all of this. Make sure that you reassure him that he isn't alone. You must love him a great deal to search for help. Ask him what he wants for conversations. And if he doesn't want to talk sometimes let him have his time. I feel that it's more important to learn what not to say than there is to say because your intimacy with this man will help guide you.
Last year I began a blog about my experience because I was so overwhelmed with having cancer. I needed an outlet! I hope that he will read this, and you. I deal with a lot of your questions.
https://my20yearscancer.com/
Here are some more links to help.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20045378
https://www.cancercare.org/blog/cancer-i-care-i-weighs-in-what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer
Here is another link: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/kidney-conditions/

Please feel free to ask me anything. I will try and help guide you. There are many many conversations on Connect and reading those will help. Do you think that your boyfriend would be interested in joining Connect?
How have you helped him through his other cancers?

@monroeed Hello. You are in a tough situation but you can be a great supporter and advocate for your boyfriend. Let him guide you in what he wants to talk about and what he may/or may not want people to know. He’s feeling well now, so just encourage the wellness and do what you both like to do. Be a team on this journey!
Also, talk to your boyfriend and ask him if he will add a note in his records saying that doctors, etc, can talk with you. HIPPA laws prevent medical persons from talking to anyone without permission ( except for spouses and parents of minors). When I was a nurse in the oncology unit, we had to be very careful who we were speaking to.
I hope we can help you on MayoClinicConnect. Becky

My dad passed in 2008. He had pancreatic cancer as well, along with other miscellaneous ailments. I was really close to my dad in many ways. He was man who literally "worked himself to death." I never treated him any different when his health declined. I saw how others changed their demeanor in a sympathetic tone. I discovered that trying to help was inderectly distancing relationships rather than tightening them. The time we had together was effortless and I really cherish those memories.
I don't want to tell anyone what to do or think in their struggles. I hope this helps you in any way.