@twinkie

I read your messages. Your post got kinda sidetracked.

Your words took me back to 2005. At about this time of the year I was attempting to commit suicide. My doctor had told me that anytime I needed to talk, he'd be there to listen, and one day I had hit bottom, at least I thought I had. After I talked with him, I headed back home and arranged things to be able to admit myself to a new place operated by the hospital, and stayed there for six weeks. Their typical stay is a few days, and they were probably ready to see me gone. I just knew that if I left too soon I would be dead within a week. I managed to get out before Christmas.

As you may know, I was so far down in the darkest hole of depression, the only rational way to get out of it was death. How it affected my family wasn't within my range of vision, unfortunately. I went back to the safe house two months later, but because they botched my care so badly, I'll never go back there.

Over the past 13 years it's been a hard struggle for me. The first 5 were spent getting out of the hole, to the place where every thought wasn't connected to death. It was still very much in my mind, but I didn't have a compulsion to act on it. After several more years spent in therapy, I was able to say that the suicidal thoughts had moved to the back of my mind. That's as far as I've progressed, though I do wish I could say that I've made more progress than that. The thoughts still come, and when they do, I start thinking that they're rational thoughts, though I know they aren't.

One writer called it psyche-ache. That's a pretty good way of putting it.

Over the years, beginning with the weeks I spent in that safe house, I've been working on my safety plan. Things such as learning to acknowledge the thoughts, but then move on to other thoughts; to face the compulsions without giving in to them; to keep my family and friends ahead of the desire to die.

I surely wish it could be easier. I don't say anything to my wife about it because I know that it distresses her. I had a really good therapist last year, but he had to leave because of some family problem, and I met with his replacement for several months, but I don't connect with her, so I haven't been back to see her for a while. I know how important it is to be able to talk with someone, but I don't have any other options because the hospital clinic she works for is the only place that accepts Medicare. No way I can afford to pay for it on my own.

Before leaving the safe house that first time I had to have a support group and a safety plan. It's a good idea - if a person is willing to use them. Has your therapist helped you do things like that? If you have a safety plan or a support group, how are they working for you?

I hope this message finds its way to you. If it does, please let me know, and please know that you can write to me either through this discussion or by a private message.

Jim

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