Can Joy and Grief Live Together?

Hello @dthayer,

Thank you for joining this discussion. What a great description of how grief can live alongside of joy as it weaves its way into our life.

Any others who would like to comment on the eventual weaving of grief and joy?

i LOST MY HUSBAND AND LOVE OF MY LIFE, TOMMY, AGE 71, ON MAY 21ST, 2019. THIS THURSDAY WILL BE 6 MONTHS SINCE HE DIED IN HIS SLEEP NEXT TO ME IN OUR BED. i WOKE UP TO HIS CELLPHONE ALARM RINGING THAT HE HAD SET THE NIGHT BEFORE, BUT NEVER MOVED TO TURN IT OFF. HE WAS ON HIS SIDE FACING ME AND HIS ARM WAS STILL UNDER MY PILLOW. THERE WAS NO WARNING...HE PLAYED TENNIS, GOLF AND POKER DAYS BEFORE, AND WE HAD JUST PACKED THE CAR THAT DAY TO MOVE FROM OUR FLORIDA HOME TO OUR VIRGINIA HOME FOR THE SUMMER MONTHS. THE DAY OF HIS SUDDEN DEATH CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER, BUT EACH DAY I FIND SOME SOLACE AND PEACE BY MIXING THE JOY AND HAPPINESS THAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAN BRING TO COMFORT MY GRIEVING HEART. I READ RECENTLY THAT YOU DON'T "MOVE ON" FROM YOUR GRIEF, YOU "MOVE FORWARD" WITH YOUR GRIEF. i ACCEPT THAT GRIEF, JOY, SADNESS, LAUGHTER, TEARS, HOPE AND MORE, WILL BE PART OF MY DAILY EMOTIONS FOREVER. I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANYTHING LESS, AS I LOVE AND MISS HIM SO MUCH. IT'S WHO I AM NOW, BUT I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THE 24 YEARS OF OUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE TOGETHER AND FOR THE TREASURED MEMORIES HE LEFT BEHIND FOR ME TO SAVOR, LOVE AND ENJOY.

Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your beloved husband. You both look lovely and so happy!

I am so glad that you told me how your feelings of grief and "moving forward" are weaving together in your life. I'm glad that you have experienced the comfort of your family and friends.

Please share with us, as you are comfortable doing so, a little bit about your husband and what made your relationship so special. I have the feeling that you had some great experiences together!

Tommy and I met, at age 15, in the summer of 1963, at a local beach where he was the only lifeguard. My friends and I hung around his lifeguard stand, and later learned that we were part of a group of girls known in his crowd as the "beach barnacles"! My parents wouldn't allow me date yet, but they let me go to the school dances with him if we went with another couple. He was tall, handsome and a great dancer. I was in love, but at summer's end, we parted ways with a tearful and what we thought to be a final goodbye. Tommy and I lived in neighboring cities, but when the new school year began for each of us, life moved on to other relationships and experiences. After graduating, we each eventually married others, but following my divorce and him losing his wife to cancer, we met again after 32 years. Our first date turned out to be the beginning of a fairytale romance that our friends and families watched with total delight and joy. We married a year later and started our life together with a strong foundation of love, and many hopes and dreams. He was a successful real estate developer and business owner, and I owned my own events management company. Together we were a dynamic team...partners, lovers, dreamers, creators. He developed vacation homes at the very same beach where we originally met, while I designed and decorated them all. Our faith, family and friends fed us with all the love we could ever wish for in our lifetime. To know Tommy was to love him... Tommy leaves behind a legacy of fond and loving memories for all who were blessed to be part of his life. He was known for his generous, loving heart. His staff and business associates would say that he was always respectful, a good listener, understanding and an inspiration to all....lifting up all levels to their utmost potential. He was a great leader, mentor and motivator. He was charismatic, gracious, compassionate, polished and always had a big smile for everyone. He was competitive and enjoyed playing tennis, golf and a long night of Texas Holdem'. Friends mourn his absence in their lives so much and feel the pain of loss every day, just as I am. I just have to believe that his beautiful spirit lives within my heart and soul, because, as he always wrote in every greeting card he gave me, "We are one, always and forever!

What beautiful memories you have, @lshell. Thank you so much for sharing Tom's life and legacy with us! I can see now how you can weave together the great memories and the grief in a very lovely manner.

What helps you most as you deal with your loss?

My beautiful husband and I had many adventures. He died of COPD on May 22, 2011. This is the hardest journey I have had to do. He was a 3 war combat vet with CPTSD and we were enmeshed in each other. It has taken me these 8 years to move forward. After living in his culture for 32 years I not only lost him I lost the culture also. I still cry. But not as often. And the things that would cause me to cry are now special memories I hold precious. I've learned to love myself.

@Ishell I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you have so many memories to love.

What a great picture of your dear husband, @amazingteal! Your losses were definitely doubled as you lost him and also his culture. I can understand why this would take so long for you to begin your "moving forward" journey.

If you don't mind sharing, how long were you married and how did you adjust to losing his culture?

Thank you all who have contributed to this discussion. I hope you realize just how cathartic it is for me to read these words. We recently passed the seventh anniversary of my father's passing, at his age of 96, from congestive heart failure. His mind remained sharp to the end, his body wore out. Every day I am reminded of him, and miss his counsel.
Ginger

Thank you Teresa. We were married 32 years, a second marriage for both of us. As to how I adjusted to leaving his culture, it has been hard. There is such richness within. His home reservation is rural and we had to move to Spokane, WA for better medical services I was already away from the people. After his death, I started releasing the cultural items to appropriate people and places. To go back to non-native culture has been hard. I do not fit as I hold many beliefs and customs within my heart and spirit. And that is right for me.