I have the same issues with my husband. No matter what I say it seems he always yells and makes me feel like I am the problem, the one at fault. For the longest time (and still learning not to take his emotions as my fault) I would be offended, try to figure out why (obsess), be defensive and apologize. He almost NEVER apologizes, since he thinks everything is my fault! Here is what my Psychiatrist suggested and I have been trying:
1. You can't help being offended by his actions - they do hurt. Acknowledge your feelings, if only silently.
2. You can't change the other person unless he wants. Accept he's not going to change.
3. Even though you are stuck and can't win, choose to Assign his behavior to God and give it to HIM to take care of.
4. This leaves your Attention to more productively think about other things and people.
5. This is a new habit that can be learned and as all habits, takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. I'm only about 40-50% there, but it is more freeing than trying to deal with it.
ACKNOWLEDGE - ACCEPT - ASSIGN - ATTENTION - AHH - PEACE!!
This is helping me - I sure hope it helps you, too! God Bless You... Sharon