@karjack I hope the sun is shining for you today, if not outside in the weather, at least in your heart, knowing people are concerned for you.

It's hard to break a habit, isn't it, even when we know it is not healthy. I have been where you are, thinking about and involving myself in a former relationship that is no longer part of my life. It felt to me "if only I can do this, or that, it will be okay again" even when that wasn't possible. It was heart-wrenching to realize i had spent so much time and energy wrapped up in a dead-end situation, so then I berated myself for that. Emotionally smacking myself, calling myself "stupid". It took a lot of in-depth work on myself and with professional assistance, to stop that way of thinking and living. And I am better off for it.

When you find the right therapist for you, I hope you will let me know how much better ou feel. Meanwhile, please continue to post here, and let us support you.
Ginger