@karjack It sounds like in many ways you left your 1st marriage but the effects of the relationship continue to haunt you. You have an extensive trauma history. I know that you said you've had therapy but it sounds like you need more intensive trauma work. Therapy isn't a one-and-done endeavor for most. With trauma, each layer needs to be slowly peeled away and for many this takes years. The work is so worth it and it CAN and WILL get easier.

You mentioned that you, 'don't want to even be here." It's is normal to have these kinds of thoughts but I need to check in and make sure that you feel that you can keep yourself safe? If at any point you felt that you couldn't keep yourself safe would you tell a loved one and/or call authorities?