@karjack
It sounds like you are unhappy in the most important relationships in your life, your children, your husband and your ex husband. You indicate that even to this day, after being separated from your ex for so long, he is still a torment to you. This is very unhealthy. I do not know you. I only know what you have said here so what I am going to say may or may not apply to you, it's just based on what you have said.

I believe you need to stop communicating with your ex husband. You obviously want to continue with a close relationship with your kids and that goes without saying, but this other person who you eliminated from your life once before should not still be a part of it. It would be unrealistic to think this will solve all of your problems, but change has to start somewhere, and getting this abusive person removed once and for all from your life sounds like a good place to start.

Here is something that might help. If you believe in God, this is the time to ask for his help. If you keep your mind turned toward him and sincerely ask for his help and for strength to deal more effectively with your life, you may, with time, be surprised at what comes. If you do not have a belief in God or at least some type of higher power, the advice still stands. Get rid of your ex from your life.

I am very saddened to hear about anyone allowing an abusive person to remain in their life. Please do this for yourself, your husband and your kids. It will absolutely improve your life, I am certain of it.

With warm regards and hope for a better life for you, Hank