Caregiving: I’m frustrated and exhausted.

my mom gets around better than me she walks a mile every morning then works in her many gardens for a couple hours and then rids a stationary bike for 3 to 5 more miles. my aunt just sits in a recliner in her house and waist for the lord to take her home. she goes to the doctr and to grocery shopping with lots of help from me and mom but nothing other than that.

@evett Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. We're glad your here, and I want to thank you for remindi g us to look at the present, as it is a gift, and not focus on the future. We all have an expiration date, but we don't know what that date is. @debiobrien You understand your situation, and are making the most of it. I know from your background, you are a planner, and don't like the unexpected, so you think about when your mom will be gone. That is normal for most people. But, please, do not let that be the center of your energy. Make what you do now and have now, that center. Build the lasting memories. My dad was real sharp mentally until he passed; his body wore out. He always talked about things he did, and dearly wanted to get to the 2012 elections [he missed by 5 days]. I always told him "Thank you" for letting me be part of his life, even in the negative times. It makes me who I am today.
Ginger

@kimspr3 Having something to distract you is very helpful. I use my crafting for that a lot, as there are days my body cannot do much physical activity. Keeping a journal, getting your thoughts out on paper can be therapeutic. Write it like a letter to your friend who understands everything. No need to send it anywhere, you could even burn afterwards. But I do know the act of "getting it out of your system" is cathartic. Dealing with a passive aggressive person is not easy. Did the psychologist give you pointers on how to have a relationship with a passive aggressive person?
Ginger

When she is gone, you find someone else to take shopping, and needs someone to help them. That's what I did. After my mom passed away I did hospice volunteer work. And then my husband had AML and went through a transplant. it was eight years ago we started with treatment. And he his always having issues. Had prostrate cancer three years ago. We spend a lot of time at home. And if something happens to him before I go, I have already decided I will go back to volunteering. I love spending time with older people. They all have a story.

Have you tried to find someone to come and stay with him while you go out, shopping? The catholic church has an angle program, volunteers go and stay with the sick so the caregiver can get a break. It's very important for you to even go for a walk. You have to refresh, so you can be there for him.

actually i think it will finally be time for me. I have never taken care of myself or put myself first so maybe it will finally MY time . but maybe your right maybe i will find someone else to care of as that has been my whole life.

@kimspr3 this is Rhoda. @rckj. Glad to hear from you and glad I could help a little. The loss of some of my independence bothers me too and I’m always apologizing or not asking or asking timidly. It’s a tough one. I have some PTSD too, also an ongoing struggle. But things do improve and I am fortunate in my choice of husband! I’m lucky he is a communicator like me. Sometimes making decisions on which way to go on a medical decision is hard but we do have therapeutic help. I highly recommend it. It helps us figure out which way to go next and how to stay emotionally close, despite the obstacles.
Hope to talk again and wishing you all the best, Rhoda @rckj

@debiobrien I know how hard it is to lose a parent, but you never really lose them. They are in you forever, especially your mom. You have given so much.
I know you’ve said that your family is real small now and your siblings are not close to you. Do you connect with them by phone? A call just to see how they are, not to talk about how difficult things are for you. Just say you’ve really missed them and hope you can have a phone relationship. Maybe you could ask them to write down something they remember of your mom and aunt and you all could share good times. We got my mom to write a short ‘story’ about her childhood as they moved from army post to army post in the 1920s. I the found the old photos that go with her story, integrated them, and made copies for everyone. This might be good for your aunt. It would be good for her and everyone else to see how she was when younger and healthier. Include your brother and sister in making a memory book and maybe you’ll make a family again.
Whatever you do, I know you’ll do it with love for your mom

What a sweet idea. Sometimes life doesn't turn out to be what we expected when we were young but God often finds a way to help us fill the gaps as we grieve over our disappointments. I bet there are lots of lonely people who have similar losses and would love to be your friends.

Scrap booking is another fun activity to do with them.