Connect
← Return to Caregiving: I’m frustrated and exhausted.
Discussion
Caregiving: I’m frustrated and exhausted.
Caregivers | Last Active: Mar 27, 2022 | Replies (223)Comment receiving replies
I am also a care giver so i can sympathize with all of you. I watch over 2 ladies that are both 91 almost 92 as they are my mother and her twin sister my aunt.
My mom is still independent and can take care of herself but my aunt is more needy. my aunt has difficulty getting around , walking and taking care of herself. between me and mom we do our best to take care of her, run errands, take to many doc appts and sometimes cook. So far i am not a "live in " for either of them.
i sold my house in another county 2 years ago and now live 10 min form them kin a rental house just to be near and no one else in the family was interested in doing. the others all moved away to other states so its just me.
I have always watched over my my mom entire life but my brother and sister have lived life for themselves not for mom.
I took care of my dad till he passed i n 2010 he had dementia. we had to put him in a secure facility the last few years because he became violent and was hurting me and my mom. he passed in the ER at waterman of cardiac failure.
I can understand the comments others have made about how the stress cam make you sick as i have gotten very ill over the past few years since i started the care giving.
Severe gastric issues developed fibromyalgia, depressions, anxiety and don't want to get out of bed every morning i wake up due to body wide pain and illness. i feel myself getting sicker everyday. I also have bad PTSD from many years of abuse so thats hard to deal with. soemtimes i just want to run away.
For me so far the biggest stress is knowing my mom who i treasure dearly is almost 92 and he days are numbered and i will lose her one day in the near future and that depressed me so much. i get consumed with the thought some days. I don;t know what i will do when i lose her as i spent my entire life taking care of her and watching over her as my dad was not a good father or husband as he was always an abusive man.
Im 64 and never married and no kinds and live alone and don't have much of a support system as i don't have a relationship with my brother as he is also abusive and barely a relationship with my sister as we were never close growing up and she left home very young and she is 5 years older than me so i was very young when she left and don't have many friends as i don't get out much anymore due to being in so much pain and sick all the time so i know i will be lost when i lose my mom.
so i understand the isolation of the others of you all and the stress this all causes and the physical illness that come about. i'm a wreck. i was a cop for over 20 years till i lost my career due to severe injuries in the line of duty and this is harder than my job ever was. thanks for listening to anyone who reads this post and my god bless all of you going thru this and give you strength and peace and comfort.
Replies to "I am also a care giver so i can sympathize with all of you. I watch..."
Hello @debiobrien Thank you for the moving post. I could feel your sadness and pain in your words. I hope your mom and your aunt both are doing OK today.
I have always said caregiving is a far tougher job than the vast majority of folks realize, but was taken aback as you said it beat your work as a cop for being tough. I was sorry to read you were injured in the line of duty. I am pleased you are here with us in the Mayo Connect caregiver community!
While I was caregiving, and like you found myself giving up so many things in my life, I began to make a list. It was the things I wanted to do once I could get out of the house. They were mostly very small things like write to an old friend, visit the only friend who stuck by me during my wife's illness to thank him, likewise with the one friend who stayed supportive of my wife, clean areas of the house, hold a garage sale, etc. I still miss my wife more than I can imagine and fight depression daily, but still keep this list going because it helps keep ME going! I never cross an item off the list as complete before I add one new one to the bottom of the list. Might not be for you, but just an idea that I found, and continue to find, helpful.
I hope you find the support of this group helpful.
I also hope the sun is shining wherever you are today -- that always helps me.
Strength, courage, and peace
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.
I like to think that caregiving is much like forgiving. We do it for the other person, but just as many benefits come back to us. Your love and time and work for your mom and aunt will be something that you get to have forever. Hard to feel that now perhaps, but it can support and strengthen you when they are gone.
I heard something when I started on my caregiving journey: the most important minute in our life is the minute at hand. In the hardest moments I make myself think that, and it brings my thoughts and focus back to what I can do in that moment to improve my husband’s experience, and what the moment can bring or do for me.
Find comfort in knowing you are never alone. We are out here.
@debiobrien I’m just so sorry for the difficult situation you are in. There is a program in your state that can probably help. It’s Aging Life Care Association. They do have a website but I couldn’t get the URL. I used a program like this to help when my husband’s aunt was 96 and at her end of life. She had no children but always thought of my husband as her son. But, she lived in NYC and we were in Colorado. I found a geriatric nurse care manager who was able to help with finances, finding caregivers, etc. Best thing I ever did! Geriatric care managers have had advanced education in the care of the elderly and most of them are nurses.
I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel right now. Do you think your mother and aunt might be open to moving to assisted living? My 96 yr old mother lives in such a place. She gets her meals, housekeeping, bus rides to the doctor and can request help with getting dressed or anything else. She feels very safe and secure and knows that there is a nurse close by if needed.
Two totally different ideas but worth talking about. I hope for the best for you.
Connect
@debiobrien Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. We're glad you found us just a few days ago! It sounds like you have had a rough journey. Have you thought about looking in to getting some help for yourself? Perhaps a caregivers support group in your area, or some individual therapy? Caring for a loved one, in this case, two loved ones, can be the hardest job ever imagined. Now is the time to start thinking about yourself, so you can help create "A softer place to land" when your mother passes. You deserve this, and might find that your mother would certainly be supportive of this. Finding time for yourself, and developing some interests that will serve to change your focus for a while, is critical for your mental and physical health. I hope you will come back, and let us know what steps you have taken to get some assistance. Would you be agreeable to that?
Ginger